My babies died.
Sounds crazy doesn't it? I mean, they weren't my children, just my DNA, but nonetheless they died.
Two donations, two separate couples, multiple babies, same outcome. No live births.
My heart is aching for those couples and when I sit and think about it, I feel like falling to pieces.
I did the donations in a way of honoring my friends who have suffered infertility, miscarriages, stillbirths and a very dear friend who learned of her sons death at her last doctors appointment.
I seemed to be a 'fertile myrtle', getting pregnant without wanting to, while using birth control. I figured I could do a small part in helping a couple achieve one of the dearest things in the world..a family.
I did everything required of the donor, they told me I'd be an amazing candidate. I had my first donation in June 2009 and another in November 2009. Both resulted in positive pregnancy tests, confirmed by ultrasound.
In December I received a call from a clinic in California asking me if I'd be interested in doing a donation for one of their couples. I thought about it, asked family opinions and everyone said I shouldn't do it. I decided to go ahead and do one more donation, I signed the release for medical records and faxed it to them so they could get my records from the clinic I was using here in Austin. I then received an email telling me that they couldn't continue with the process. I just figured it was because I don't have a college degree, many clinics prefer them.
Last week I received a call from the clinic here in Austin, informing me that I would no longer be able to do donations. When I asked 'why' the woman on the phone told me 'Your eggs have a low viability rate.' I guess this is where that college degree mentioned above would of come in handy, I asked her what she meant, although I already knew.
She informed me that out of 18 eggs fertilized..not a single one resulted in a live birth. I asked her if both donations resulted in a pregnancy and she informed me 'yes, the June donation made it to 5-6 months before she lost the multiples and the November made it a few months before those were lost as well."
My heart sank. So that is why the place in California wanted nothing to do with me..not because my education level..but because my babies weren't surviving. (This was confirmed by the nurse on the phone)
I feel horrible, absolutely horrible. Yes for myself, but mainly for the two couples involved..and their families. The family from June lost MULTIPLE children more than half way through their pregnancy. They knew the genders at this point..they most likely had names. They were probably preparing nurseries. The mother from November was probably just over morning sickness and finally able to start enjoying her pregnancy. My heart BREAKS for them, for what they experienced and are still dealing with and will deal with for the rest of their lives.
I feel at fault, everyone keeps telling me it wasn't my fault..but they were my eggs..they had the low viability rate, not the sperm.
And now it hits me..a loss for words. My babies died.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Our Trip to see Tim graduate from BCT
So EARLY Tuesday morning at 3:45 am, we loaded up into the car to start our long trip to Tim's graduation. I had everything set up so the girls could simply fall back asleep, blankets..stuffed animals and a warm car. We left as early as we did so that the trip would seem shorter to them, in the hopes that they would fall back to sleep since it was still dark outside. I started off driving since I had slept 4 hours and my mother had worked all day then went to work Hastings and then come home to pack her bag..so she got a total of 30 minutes of sleep. It was yuck outside, if I remember correctly..it was raining. We drove the south route, we were going to stop for lunch at Gina's(April's sister) house in Slidell, Louisiana. Slidell is near New Orleans for those of you unaware. We had hoped that we left early enough to miss the morning traffic in Houston..but nope, we caught it. It didn't slow us down to much. But anyway, I drove from Round Rock to New Orleans while my mother slept some..and then slept some more in the middle of me talking to her. Thanks Mom, appreciate it.
We stopped and visited with Gina for about 45 minutes to an hour, while Madison and Mackenzie harassed, aka 'loved' their cat. Madison is use to dogs, big dogs at that..so cats are fun to her. She pet it, kissed it, hugged it and even laid on the cat, which patiently let her. From Gina's we drove to Trenton and April's in Columbus, Georgia. Mom drove that stretch of the trip.
Wednesday morning we woke up, got dressed and met April at her school to go eat at Blimpy's..or was it Subway? I can't remember. It was nice being able to spend time with her and Trenton, just wish it could of been longer. After lunch we hopped in the car and drove the rest of the way to Columbia, SC...the town holding Fort Jackson. We checked into our hotel, then drove to the post to get our visitor's pass so on Thursday morning we wouldn't have to wait in the visitor's entrance. We thought it'd be a good idea to drive around post to see where graduation and family day would take place. Family day would be outside at Hilton Field and since it was 100% chance of rain for Friday, Graduation, it would be at the Solomon center. We drove down to Hilton Field and by the barracks that my husband had been living in for the past 10 weeks. I started to get excited..I was so close to Tim!
After exploring the post, we drove back to the hotel where I abandoned my mother with my two children..so I could finally go meet with some of the army wives. Lacie (Trout) and Nicole (Hulett) were staying in the same hotel as me, so we all rode together to go meet Beth (Morrow) at a place she suggested called Hooligans. It was a cute little hole in the wall that served sandwiches. We sat and talked til past closing time..we hadn't even noticed we were the only people still in there...til the man hammering nails into the wall to support some pictures..started hammering a tad bit louder. We packed up and headed back to crash Nicole's hotel room. Thanks Nicole!!
Thursday morning, we woke up super early and got dressed..to be at Hilton Field by 8:15 am..with family day starting at 10am. We left early because we knew everyone would be fighting for good parking and good seats. We sat at the bottom..so we would be able to get on the field quickly to claim our soldiers, once family day was over. It was cold...very cold. We sat wrapped in blankets while wearing jackets..and huddling together for body warmth. Tim's parents bought the girls some Army beanies..since I was dumb and forgot theirs at the hotel. I'm a bad mom. While we were cold..wrapped up in layers..our soldiers were standing in the trees..for hours. We could see them from where we were sitting..and it was killing us.
They had a demonstration, which I can't remember what it was for..I remember the words 'Iraq' and 'war' being used. A small group of soldiers, around ten or so, ran out of the trees and acted like they were looking for the enemy. Then you heard 'bombs' go off and they dropped to the ground. Honestly, I wasn't really paying attention at this point, hangs head in shame, I was waiting for my husband! Then a few minutes later...yellow, purple and green smoke started billowing out of the trees...we all started screaming. It was them, our soldiers..running towards us.
It was amazing, and looking back now, such a blur. I remember LTC Higginbotham talking..but I wasn't paying any attention. I was more consumed with the fact that I could see my husband and would soon be able to run up and grab him. He was in the front, which provided great pictures, so I was taking lots of those too. Lacie and I were ready to run on the field we were so excited...her husband said he saw us, lol.
Then..they released us onto the field where we claimed our very frozen soldiers. We hugged, kissed..took a few photos then rushed back to the warmth of our cars. It took us awhile to get off Hilton field. Since we got there early, we had front row parking..which made it a pain to exit..with only one entrance/exit to the field..located at the very back. We probably sat in the car for about 15 minutes...before we finally were able to leave. We left Hilton Field and went to the PX where we walked around and bought Tim some much needed candy and red bulls. After we left the PX we drove a block over to see Tim's barracks. He showed us his mop, haha, they called him Mr. Clean because of how much he cleaned. His female DS always teased him that his wife must love him because of it, trust me, it's a nice perk. He also showed us the 'kill zone', the area in the middle of the room they weren't allowed to walk on. He cleaned it often.
After touring the barracks we went to go eat at the Pizza Hut on post. On Family Day, the soldiers had to stay on post..which made it a huge PITA for everyone. 1,200 soldiers and their families..all stuck on post trying to stay out of the cold. Pizza Hut only had outdoor seating..so we sat and ate our pizza..freezing to death. Our girls have been associating ACU's with Daddy..and every soldier wearing them...has recently become daddy's friend. Tim's friend count jumped that day!
After eating some pizza, we drove over to the bowling alley and waited 45 minutes to get a lane. There was a bowling alley employee who took her job a little too seriously and irritated the hell out of us. She kept trying to steal our chairs and tried to take the size 6 ball, because she said only children could use them..thats when I pointed out my two children. She also treated us like we were idiots when we asked her to put up bumpers. Apparently..at that bowling alley you push a button on your screen. Her words 'what, you don't know how to work a computer?' I could of killed her. I sucked royally at bowling..but the girls did great.
After bowling we drove over to the Solomon center and hung out in a warm indoor place..that didn't have millions of people. They had tables set up with board games, they had a climbing wall...about ten tv's with wii, xbox, playstation and they had inflatable moon walks. Tim and I played wii baseball and I kicked his butt, then we played a game of bowling with Lacie and her husband Stephen. After that, Tim and his sister Michelle went and climbed the rock wall. Michelle failed miserably and Tim climbed it like a damn spider monkey. It was hilarious.
By now, Tim only had two hours til he had to be back at his barracks and we still needed to feed him some dinner. We drove back over to the PX, which had a couple fast food chains. Tim and myself stood in line for about ten minutes (remember 1,200 families) while his parents and my mother held a table with the girls. It was nice having that 'alone time' even though we were surrounded by tons of people. It was hard not to touch him, since no PDA is allowed while in Uniform, and everyone was taking it very seriously. We ate dinner then drove Tim back to his barracks.
Family day..we left the hotel at 10am, to get to the Solomon Center for Graduation at 11am. Since it was raining and graduation was moved indoors, they only had room to graduate 2 companies at a time. Alpha and Bravo at 10am, Charlie and Delta at 11am, Echo and Foxtrot at noon. We left early in hopes of getting a good parking spot upfront, since it was raining. The parking lot was packed and they had rows of cars on the grass all the way to the road, but thankfully my mother has a temporary handicap parking pass, and we parked on the second row.
Lacie saved us seats up at the top of the stands, which ended up being perfect for photos! They brought in our soldiers..gave some awards..said some stuff...and then our guys graduated. I really had my head in my ass those two days..because I can't remember anything other than being so damn excited I could cry. I took lots of photos, I remember that. After graduation the guys had to march back to their barracks in the pouring down rain, so we drove over to pick Tim up.
After graduation the soldiers had an offpost pass til 2115, so we left post and Tim changed out of his ACU's into some dry clothes, and we went out to eat at Olive Garden. After Olive Garden we drove around looking for an assault pack for Tim, but we couldnt find one less than $180, and that was too outrageous. He ended up just sending some stuff home with me and I will mail it to him, that way he had room in his bags for all of his stuff.
After our aimless driving for 45 minutes, we went back to the hotel and Tim told his family bye. They were driving back that day, so they needed to leave early. After they left my mother took the girls out for icecream giving Tim and I some time to spend together. We ended up spending the rest of the day laying on our bed watching movies with the girls. It was a nice ending to our time with him, but it was killing us that he was about to have to leave again. Around 2030 we loaded up into the car and drove Tim back to the barracks. My mom kept the girls in the car while I ran up inside with him to get the stuff he bought for me. Tim came back out to the car and told the girls bye..it broke Mackenzie's heart and she cried. I then walked Tim back to the barracks and told him bye.
Saturday morning we started our drive home, thinking we would end up stopping in Slidell again, for the night, but we ended up just driving the whole way home. Tim was put on a plane and flown from Columbia, to Dallas..and then on to Fort Huachuca. He is so far liking AIT..he has a LOT more freedom, including his laptop and cellphone. He is still doing in-processing but will start his classes soon. He is looking forward to it. He says Fort Huachuca is beautiful, he is surrounded by mountains that are topped with snow. I can't wait til we are able to visit him, or hopefully..fly him home for a weekend. I am looking forward to being able to talk to him on a regular basis..and buying a webcam so we can skype and the girls can see him.
We stopped and visited with Gina for about 45 minutes to an hour, while Madison and Mackenzie harassed, aka 'loved' their cat. Madison is use to dogs, big dogs at that..so cats are fun to her. She pet it, kissed it, hugged it and even laid on the cat, which patiently let her. From Gina's we drove to Trenton and April's in Columbus, Georgia. Mom drove that stretch of the trip.
Wednesday morning we woke up, got dressed and met April at her school to go eat at Blimpy's..or was it Subway? I can't remember. It was nice being able to spend time with her and Trenton, just wish it could of been longer. After lunch we hopped in the car and drove the rest of the way to Columbia, SC...the town holding Fort Jackson. We checked into our hotel, then drove to the post to get our visitor's pass so on Thursday morning we wouldn't have to wait in the visitor's entrance. We thought it'd be a good idea to drive around post to see where graduation and family day would take place. Family day would be outside at Hilton Field and since it was 100% chance of rain for Friday, Graduation, it would be at the Solomon center. We drove down to Hilton Field and by the barracks that my husband had been living in for the past 10 weeks. I started to get excited..I was so close to Tim!
After exploring the post, we drove back to the hotel where I abandoned my mother with my two children..so I could finally go meet with some of the army wives. Lacie (Trout) and Nicole (Hulett) were staying in the same hotel as me, so we all rode together to go meet Beth (Morrow) at a place she suggested called Hooligans. It was a cute little hole in the wall that served sandwiches. We sat and talked til past closing time..we hadn't even noticed we were the only people still in there...til the man hammering nails into the wall to support some pictures..started hammering a tad bit louder. We packed up and headed back to crash Nicole's hotel room. Thanks Nicole!!
Thursday morning, we woke up super early and got dressed..to be at Hilton Field by 8:15 am..with family day starting at 10am. We left early because we knew everyone would be fighting for good parking and good seats. We sat at the bottom..so we would be able to get on the field quickly to claim our soldiers, once family day was over. It was cold...very cold. We sat wrapped in blankets while wearing jackets..and huddling together for body warmth. Tim's parents bought the girls some Army beanies..since I was dumb and forgot theirs at the hotel. I'm a bad mom. While we were cold..wrapped up in layers..our soldiers were standing in the trees..for hours. We could see them from where we were sitting..and it was killing us.
They had a demonstration, which I can't remember what it was for..I remember the words 'Iraq' and 'war' being used. A small group of soldiers, around ten or so, ran out of the trees and acted like they were looking for the enemy. Then you heard 'bombs' go off and they dropped to the ground. Honestly, I wasn't really paying attention at this point, hangs head in shame, I was waiting for my husband! Then a few minutes later...yellow, purple and green smoke started billowing out of the trees...we all started screaming. It was them, our soldiers..running towards us.
It was amazing, and looking back now, such a blur. I remember LTC Higginbotham talking..but I wasn't paying any attention. I was more consumed with the fact that I could see my husband and would soon be able to run up and grab him. He was in the front, which provided great pictures, so I was taking lots of those too. Lacie and I were ready to run on the field we were so excited...her husband said he saw us, lol.
Then..they released us onto the field where we claimed our very frozen soldiers. We hugged, kissed..took a few photos then rushed back to the warmth of our cars. It took us awhile to get off Hilton field. Since we got there early, we had front row parking..which made it a pain to exit..with only one entrance/exit to the field..located at the very back. We probably sat in the car for about 15 minutes...before we finally were able to leave. We left Hilton Field and went to the PX where we walked around and bought Tim some much needed candy and red bulls. After we left the PX we drove a block over to see Tim's barracks. He showed us his mop, haha, they called him Mr. Clean because of how much he cleaned. His female DS always teased him that his wife must love him because of it, trust me, it's a nice perk. He also showed us the 'kill zone', the area in the middle of the room they weren't allowed to walk on. He cleaned it often.
After touring the barracks we went to go eat at the Pizza Hut on post. On Family Day, the soldiers had to stay on post..which made it a huge PITA for everyone. 1,200 soldiers and their families..all stuck on post trying to stay out of the cold. Pizza Hut only had outdoor seating..so we sat and ate our pizza..freezing to death. Our girls have been associating ACU's with Daddy..and every soldier wearing them...has recently become daddy's friend. Tim's friend count jumped that day!
After eating some pizza, we drove over to the bowling alley and waited 45 minutes to get a lane. There was a bowling alley employee who took her job a little too seriously and irritated the hell out of us. She kept trying to steal our chairs and tried to take the size 6 ball, because she said only children could use them..thats when I pointed out my two children. She also treated us like we were idiots when we asked her to put up bumpers. Apparently..at that bowling alley you push a button on your screen. Her words 'what, you don't know how to work a computer?' I could of killed her. I sucked royally at bowling..but the girls did great.
After bowling we drove over to the Solomon center and hung out in a warm indoor place..that didn't have millions of people. They had tables set up with board games, they had a climbing wall...about ten tv's with wii, xbox, playstation and they had inflatable moon walks. Tim and I played wii baseball and I kicked his butt, then we played a game of bowling with Lacie and her husband Stephen. After that, Tim and his sister Michelle went and climbed the rock wall. Michelle failed miserably and Tim climbed it like a damn spider monkey. It was hilarious.
By now, Tim only had two hours til he had to be back at his barracks and we still needed to feed him some dinner. We drove back over to the PX, which had a couple fast food chains. Tim and myself stood in line for about ten minutes (remember 1,200 families) while his parents and my mother held a table with the girls. It was nice having that 'alone time' even though we were surrounded by tons of people. It was hard not to touch him, since no PDA is allowed while in Uniform, and everyone was taking it very seriously. We ate dinner then drove Tim back to his barracks.
Family day..we left the hotel at 10am, to get to the Solomon Center for Graduation at 11am. Since it was raining and graduation was moved indoors, they only had room to graduate 2 companies at a time. Alpha and Bravo at 10am, Charlie and Delta at 11am, Echo and Foxtrot at noon. We left early in hopes of getting a good parking spot upfront, since it was raining. The parking lot was packed and they had rows of cars on the grass all the way to the road, but thankfully my mother has a temporary handicap parking pass, and we parked on the second row.
Lacie saved us seats up at the top of the stands, which ended up being perfect for photos! They brought in our soldiers..gave some awards..said some stuff...and then our guys graduated. I really had my head in my ass those two days..because I can't remember anything other than being so damn excited I could cry. I took lots of photos, I remember that. After graduation the guys had to march back to their barracks in the pouring down rain, so we drove over to pick Tim up.
After graduation the soldiers had an offpost pass til 2115, so we left post and Tim changed out of his ACU's into some dry clothes, and we went out to eat at Olive Garden. After Olive Garden we drove around looking for an assault pack for Tim, but we couldnt find one less than $180, and that was too outrageous. He ended up just sending some stuff home with me and I will mail it to him, that way he had room in his bags for all of his stuff.
After our aimless driving for 45 minutes, we went back to the hotel and Tim told his family bye. They were driving back that day, so they needed to leave early. After they left my mother took the girls out for icecream giving Tim and I some time to spend together. We ended up spending the rest of the day laying on our bed watching movies with the girls. It was a nice ending to our time with him, but it was killing us that he was about to have to leave again. Around 2030 we loaded up into the car and drove Tim back to the barracks. My mom kept the girls in the car while I ran up inside with him to get the stuff he bought for me. Tim came back out to the car and told the girls bye..it broke Mackenzie's heart and she cried. I then walked Tim back to the barracks and told him bye.
Saturday morning we started our drive home, thinking we would end up stopping in Slidell again, for the night, but we ended up just driving the whole way home. Tim was put on a plane and flown from Columbia, to Dallas..and then on to Fort Huachuca. He is so far liking AIT..he has a LOT more freedom, including his laptop and cellphone. He is still doing in-processing but will start his classes soon. He is looking forward to it. He says Fort Huachuca is beautiful, he is surrounded by mountains that are topped with snow. I can't wait til we are able to visit him, or hopefully..fly him home for a weekend. I am looking forward to being able to talk to him on a regular basis..and buying a webcam so we can skype and the girls can see him.
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