The things we do to fill the void.

Finals were last week, I can't begin to explain how relieved I am that it is finally over..at least for a few months. Sweet sweet freedom, sweet sweet summer...oh crap..what do I do now?

The days are so ridiculously long now that I have all this free time on my hands. If you know me then you know that I have extreme OCD with schedules. Monday is spent cleaning upstairs top to bottom, Tuesday is spent cleaning downstairs top to bottom..but what do I do with Wednesday, Thursday and Friday now that I don't have to fill those days with homework? Naptime, was homework...bedtime was homework. 

I am finding myself with so much down time that my brain has too much time to wander. I find that this week has been one of the hardest emotion wise when it comes to thinking of worst case scenarios dealing with Iraq and the man I love who is over there. I'm finding myself lonely and bored, something that has yet to happen for the past 15 weeks and 5 days. It's hard to be lonely when every minute is spent dealing with kids or doing homework then you crash in bed around midnight, completely exhausted.

So, seeing as I knew I would need to fill the void in my schedule..I have picked up exercise. One of the gyms on post offers two hours a day of free childcare if you use their center, so I have been frequenting them every night for the past two weeks. I had only been using an hour in the evening but I now plan on using my second hour in the morning. I feel incredible!

I spend about 15 minutes doing cardio on the elliptical, hit the weights for 30 minutes and then wrap up with a 15 minute jog on the treadmil. I feel healthier, I have more energy and I'm working towards my bikini body for the summer. I am able to have alone time during the day where I don't find myself worrying about the girls, or about whether or not my husband is going to make it home. I'm able to just be and do something positive for me and this is something that I needed.

So there it is, this is the new thing I do to fill the void.

"Osama Bin Laden is dead, bring our troops home now!"

"Osama Bin Laden is dead, bring our troops home now!"

Really? Like really?! The first couple times I saw this statement I thought people were just excited about Osama being dead, and then I realized..people really mean it.

First off, Osama was just ONE man...there are still many like him out there. He was the leader of al-Qaeda, with MANY devoted followers. Do you remember the emotions American's felt after 9/11, when we watched our enemies dance in the street rejoicing the death of our people? How do you think Osama's followers feel with his death being at our hands and our people dancing in the streets rejoicing his death?

They probably feel the exact same thing we felt, 100% rage.

Do you think the wisest decision is to pull our troops out after a massive blow to their moral and their people? Hell no! This war was started to end terror, not end the life of Osama Bin Laden. His life is over, the war on terror is not...especially now. Military installations all over raised their threat level in anticipation and preperation of a back lash from our enemies. They WILL try to attack, the question is just when and where and if they will be successful. The last thing the American people, and military, need to do is to drop their guard and think that we are now safe because ONE man is dead. If anything, we are at a higher risk. Those in the military community know this best, as we fear for the lives of our deployed troops even more and the safety of American's here at home.

People keep asking me if I think this means Tim will be coming home early, and the answer to that question is no. Tim is in Iraq, doing a completely separate job...he wasn't out playing hide n go seek with Osama Bin Laden. Tim is a part of Operation New Dawn. During Operation New Dawn, the remaining 50,000 U.S. troops serving in Iraq will conduct stability operations, focusing on advising, assisting and training Iraqi Security Forces.

Now, I don't want people to read this and finish with the mindset that I am pro-war. What I am for is finishing a job we started, ending terrorism in the Middle East the same way we ended the terrorism in Europe(Holocaust). Until al-Qaeda has been defeated, this war can't be over. If we pull our troops out and come back home, all this does is give al-Qaeda the time to recover and bring the war back to our soil.

"For over two decades, bin Laden has been al Qaeda’s leader and symbol and has continued to plot attacks against our country and our friends and allies. The death of bin Laden marks the most significant achievement to date in our nation’s effort to defeat al Qaeda. His death does not mark the end of our effort. There’s no doubt that al Qaeda will continue to pursue attacks against us. We must and we will remain vigilant at home and abroad. As we do, we must also reaffirm that the United States is not and never will be at war with Islam. I’ve made clear, just as President Bush did shortly after 9/11, that our war is not against Islam. Bin Laden was not a Muslim leader. He was a mass murderer of Muslims. Indeed, al Qaeda slaughtered scores of Muslims in many countries including our own. So his demise should be welcomed by all who believe in peace and human dignity."- Obama


I don't mean to sound as if I am insulting the intelligence of those who want to bring our troops home now that Osama is dead, I just want people to realize and understand that Osama isn't the sole reason we are in the Middle East. We all want our troops home, I miss my husband more than anything in this world...but there is a job that still needs to be done..and after all, that is the point of our military. THIS is what they are trained for.

Life update :)

Well, there is so much to update about..I'm sure I'll forget something but here goes!

Things have been going pretty smoothly so far, just a few bumps and bends in the road but nothing major. The girls and I have been doing okay, I'm still waiting for my inevitable break down to take place. I've been told that every wife has a breakdown at some point, and I have yet to have mine, hopefully it doesn't happen! Tim has been gone 12 weeks and 3 days, or 87 days. I'll be relieved when we finally hit that 100 day mark, come on..it's 100 days closer to him being home!

Speaking of Tim, we've been having some health issues with him. A couple weeks ago he went to the clinic and was told that he suffered a SLAP tear in his shoulder and that he would need to come back to see the doctor. When he finally went back to see the doctor, a week later, the doctor told him that rather than a SLAP tear, he had a torn rotator cuff. Lovely! He is scheduled to go back to see the specialist on May 9th to see what they are going to do. They are hoping that it heals on its own, but with how bad it constantly hurts him..I see a surgery in his future. The possibilities are to send him home for his surgery, recovery and rehab or to throw his arm in a sling and wait til he comes home from deployment for surgery. We're torn on what we would wish for, of course we want him home..but he wants to stay and serve his country. I can't wait til I can see it for myself when he comes home on R&R this summer, whenever that may be.

Speaking of doctor's and what they think, tomorrow I go back to the cardiologist for my echo. I will also be getting my heart monitor in the mail, which I am dreading having to wear. They have prescribed me the monitor for 30 days, but if it records enough data on my symptoms prior to the end of the 30 days, my doctor may allow me to stop wearing it. So bring on the coffee and exercise!

School is almost out, I couldn't tell you how many weeks/assignments are left, I haven't checked! I am thrilled to be so close to summer and relaxation. It stinks when I have to chose between cleaning the house and staying caught up on homework, or taking the girls to the park or taking the time to get in the kitchen and cook a good meal. This whole single mom and student thing is tough stuff! I rarely catch a quiet moment..and when I do..I want to enjoy it! I am so looking forward to relaxing with my girls this summer without homework constantly being on the brain! I had planned on taking two classes this summer but with Tim coming home somewhere in there..its not worth it. I want to enjoy my husband and kids!!!

Mackenzie is almost five, can you believe it!? Yeah, me either! I am once again planning her birthday party on my own, thanks Army, and I absolutely hate it. Parties and holidays aren't my thing. Ask my husband how many birthday/Christmas/anniversary/valentine's gifts I have bought him in our seven years...he can probably list the items on one hand. It's just not something I do. I don't see the need in showing someone appreciate/love through tangible items, and I most definitely don't want people to do it for me. I would rather be able to spend the day with them and show them love..not have to go out buy a cake, presents, food, decorations. So planning birthday parties is a hard thing for me to do, but I do it for her because the look of happiness that will be on her face.

I know I haven't put anything down about Madison, which I feel guilty about..but no news is good news with Madison. Nothing crazy or drastic to update about with her, thank goodness!!!

Don't tell my heart..my achy breaky heart..

So, I thought I might write an entry about something other than deployment. Great idea right? So lets talk about how I'm dying.


Insert witty comment from friend here: we're all dying. Well, that is true..I'm just dying faster and in a suckier way.


I can't remember when exactly my symptoms started, I just know that I have been taking Iron supplements for at least the past year. So whatever is going on with my body, isn't something new and isn't something stress related due to the deployment.


Oh, symptoms, let me tell you my symptoms. Dizzy, lightheaded, fatigue, nausea, heart palpitations, shortness of breath and headaches. I figured that since I have a history of anemia (pernicious anemia as an infant) and had low iron levels after the birth of Mad, that it was probably my iron levels. Well, I took Iron for over a year without a single change. I've also noticed in the past 6 months that its most common during the mornings and drinking coffee makes it worse. Drinking coffee makes it MUCH worse.


Tim has been asking me to go to the doctor since this past July and probably even earlier than that, but I hate the doctors office so I refused. Well, that eventually bit me in the ass.


On March 2nd I had a routine exam at the doctor's office, the military demanded I go, so I kind of had too. Immediately following my exam I began feeling sick. My body started sweating and I couldn't seem to catch my breath. I tried to get out of the exam room as quickly as possible, so I could wait out the issues in the waiting room. All I remember is walking towards the front of the clinic before blacking out. When I woke I was in a wheelchair, back in the exam room with my hands and feet completely rigid and tingling. 


Here is a tip folks, if you plan on blacking out, do it surrounded by soldiers. They apparently love any excuse to come to the rescue as I was told I had about 9 run up to me when I hit the ground. Sorry husband, I was lonely.


Anyway, they ended up checking my blood pressure and everything was normal so they ordered me to come back two weeks later for blood work.


Fast-forward two weeks, blood work. Yeah, everything came back normal. They told me my Iron was a little low but not low enough to cause my symptoms. They told me to start taking prenatals and have set me up an appointment to come back in 3 months for additional blood work to see if it improves my iron levels. In the mean time, I have been referred to a cardiologist. 


Woohoo!! A freaking cardiologist, because THAT makes me feel a million times better. I mean, its only my heart they are showing concern about. I have tried calling cardio to set up an appointment, but haven't heard anything back yet. 


My doctor believes I have a condition called Vasovagal Syncope. In simple man's terms... I have sudden drops in my blood pressure and heart rate that reduces blood flow to my brain resulting in dizziness and blackouts. Hooray! Cause that isn't anything to be concerned about, especially while I'm home alone with two children. 


See, so I'm dying. Anyway, that is an update on me..hopefully I will be able to reach cardio this week in order to set up an appointment to figure out if that is what it is..and how we will take care of it.

Sometimes it's the little things that get you through..

Little reminders, they get me through my day.

His toothbrush still sits in the holder where he last put it. I know, kind of weird. I don't expect him to use it when he gets back, that would just be gross, but it is HIS toothbrush still none the less. I find comfort in the fact that something of his still sits beside something of mine. It's a reminder of normalcy, a normalcy that will return eventually.

His body wash is still in the shower. I admit that I even use it from time to time, the smell brings comfort that his dirty shirt is slowly losing. I am able to fall asleep smelling 'him'. I just hope that the people I come into contact with don't get close enough to realize I smell like a man.

His dirty shirt still sits crumpled on the cabinet in the closet. I really should of put it in a bag to keep the smell, it's nearly gone. On a really hard day, it brings comfort as well.

His shoes still line the wall inside our closet, in a perfect row. He never kept his shoes in a perfect row.

Today marks 2 months and 1 day since he left, or 8 weeks and 4 days. I thought today was going to be a good day, I think I was mistaken.

You know you're an Army wife when..

I ran across this and thought it was hysterical. The ones in bold are ones I really relate too.

You know you're an Army wife when..

...you can unpack a house and have everything in place in 48 hours
...your husband's work and dress clothes cost more than yours do
...you've changed more oil and mowed more lawns than your husband because he's never there to do it himself
...you use a crook-neck flashlight with a red lens during power outages because it's the only one you can ever find in the house
hahahaha....more than once!!
...your children say "hooah" or "roger that" instead of "ok"
...you know that it's normal to light shoe polish on fire and that the best way to spit-shine boots is with cotton balls
my husband has been doing that since his ROTC days back in HS
...your husband does a route recon and takes a GPS for a trip to the mall
...you only write in pencil because EVERYTHING is subject to change
...you need a translator to talk to your civilian friends, only because they have no idea what DFAS, AER, TDY, ACS, NPD, PCS, and ETS mean
Every single time..
...you have a larger selection of curtains than Walmart does
...you can remember where you kept the Scotch tape in your last house, but unfortunately, not in this one
...you mark time in duty stations, not years
...you refer to friends not only by name but by the state that they live in
...you know that "back home" doesn't mean at the house you live in now
...you tear up when you hear "Proud to Be An American," even though you've heard it 50 times by now
shoot..I tear up at the sight of the American flag.
...you know that a 2 month separation IS short, no matter what your civilian friends say
...you ALWAYS know when payday is and get ticked off if there are more than 2 weekends during that pay period
And I constantly have to remind the husband that it's not every two weeks!!
...you know better than to go to the PX or commissary between 11:30 and 13:00 unless it's a life or death emergency
...you show your military ID to the greeter at Walmart
Been there..done that...more than once..
...you know that any reference to "sand" or a "box" describes NTC at Ft. Irwin, not your kid's backyard toys
...you know that "Ft. Puke" is a completely accurate description of Ft. Polk
...you find yourself explaining your husband's LES to him
...you have enough camouflage in your house to wallpaper the White House
...you don't have to think about what time 21:30 is
...you start ripping open MREs and looking for the M&Ms when you run out of Halloween candy
I rip open MRE's JUST for the candy..
...you can't remember the last time you saw a doctor who wasn't wearing BDUs
...you've ever had a pet named Scout, Ranger or Sergeant
...the local dry cleaner knows you by your first name
...it only cost you $25 to have a child
...you find that a large number of your clothes and household items are olive drab or loam, even though you never planned it that way
...you pick apart uniforms on TV and in the movies, even though you used to yell at your husband for doing the same thing
Well...yeah...
...you know what "pogey bait" is and which kinds everyone in your husband's platoon prefers
...you wish you could go to CIF to DX your old stuff like your husband can
...you've learned to sleep through the sounds of tanks, planes, helicopters and artillery simulators
...you give your kids a hand receipt when they take your Tupperware to school
...you can hate military life but be terrified to leave it all in the same breath
...you defend your lifestyle no matter how bad things get because you know there's no other life for you!
...you have a spare room in your house just for gear.
It's larger than my walk through closet...that is huge..
...you've stubbed your toe on a kevlar vest more than once.
damn kevlar..
...you frequently have soldiers sitting in your living room playing xbox and eating your food.
Yep..and I miss those men more than anything..


...when your four year old has a favorite airplane.
A c-130
….when the sight of uniforms, sounds of tanks, trucks and choppers, and artilllery in the distance are the soundtrack to your life.
I find myself longing for them whenever I go back home..
...when your kids wake up with the bugle at reveille
For two weeks she would stand up and salute the flag..at 630 in the morning!!..
...when your toddler can nap through helicopters doing low flyovers.
and artillery..
...your kids call you "Ma'am"
R-E-S-P-E-C-T..

39 Days

39 days have passed since my husband left for Iraq. 

I miss him more than anything..

I think I need a bigger box...

Want to learn a perk about deployments, insert head nod here, you get to fall in love with your spouse all over again.

Really, you do.

Honestly, this deployment hasn't been that horrible. I miss my husband tremendously..I miss him so much that it makes my heart ache. I get that knot in my stomach and I find myself constantly choking back a lump in my throat. I find that I cry at the drop of a hat over anything that reminds me of him. I miss him, but man..I am so proud of him!!

Last week I assembled a list of items I wanted to send in his first care package. The list includes lots of junk food, framed photographs for his desk at work and an assortment of other stuff. This past weekend was spent going out to different stores and buying things that would make my husband laugh and think 'only my wife!'. In those activities, I was able to fall in love with him all over again. I was given the opportunity to show him that I was thinking about him, by putting thought into each item. I can't wait to hear from him when he opens his box. Speaking of which..I think I need a bigger box. As I sit here with all my items beside me..I don't think they'll fit in the box my mother-in-law gave to me. I may need a couple more!!

What a fun thing to be able to do for him, in fact, I plan on doing a box each pay period! I want each box to feel like a bit of home. The miles may separate us, but they most definitely can't keep us apart.

They are gone

As of today, the men are gone.

They have packed their bags, they have boarded the planes..they have flown to far away countries. As couples we exchanged hugs, kisses, last minute embraces and then said our goodbyes til the next time we would meet.

As friends, we laughed, joked, tried to act like this wasn't really happening. Tried to hold on to a sense of normalcy for as long as we could. Then the time came, tears began to flow..and goodbyes took place. Today, this deployment feels as real as it ever has.

For the past two weeks my husband has been gone, but it hasn't felt as though he was sent off across the world. Sure, we've been dealing with crazy time changes, phone calls at 1 am, but I had it in my head he was only out in the field. After all, with our best friends still home..it certainly felt that way.

Now, my husband is gone..my best friends are gone and this deployment is real. They aren't just being sent off for another training session, they aren't just 'playing' war.

I miss my husband, I miss my friends..I want this nightmare to be over.

One way ticket to the nut house

I feel like this deployment is basically going to give me a one way ticket to the nut house.

I feel like i'm losing it.

My whole goal on Friday for cleaning the house is so I wouldn't come home and be haunted by little reminders of my husband, laying around the house. How silly of me.

I have built a life with that man, a home. Every single thing around me reminds me of him. I went to look in the pantry for a snack and saw a can of tuna that he bought, I had to choke back tears. TEARS!! OVER TUNA!!

I decided maybe food wasn't such a great idea, coffee sounded better. Oh crap, coffee. My husband is the person who got me into drinking coffee, he is also the one who bought the hazelnut coffee because he knows it's  my favorite smell. Shit, shit shit shit. Every single aspect of my life revolves around a man who I love so deeply that I can't go a single minute thinking about him, missing him.

Tonight is my first night alone in our house. I think i'll turn in early tonight.

1 day down, 364 to go..

My husband left yesterday for his deployment to Iraq.

Yesterday was filled with tears, lots of tears. I washed all of his dirty clothes and put them away. I picked up everything he had left laying out during the chaos. I packed a bag, loaded up the girls and our dog and got in the car. I knew where I was going, just hadn't really planned it all out.

Today, we pick up the pieces and move forward. This weekend is a weekend away from home, away from routine that normally includes daddy. When we return home tomorrow, we will pick up a routine we had left off not even half a year ago.

Today, I am able to say that I am actually doing okay. It is going to be a hard year, but a very rewarding one as well. We are being blessed with an opportunity, we plan to take full advantage of. God has a plan and we are trusting in him.

Single digits.

My countdown reached single digits this week.  I look at a calendar and the knot in my stomach squeezes a bit tighter and the lump in my throat returns. How the hell am I going to do this?

I know how I'm going to do this, i'll just push through the pain, all of the tears and remember that it's only temporary.  This whole thing is only temporary and one day he'll be home and we'll be complete again.

Others have done this before, I can do this too.

It's a topic that is hard to discuss with others who haven't experienced this before or who won't be experiencing it. Until you go through the emotions yourself, you don't understand.

It doesn't matter if your husband lived in a separate town for so many weeks/months. I don't care that your boyfriend went on a camping trip that lasted a week. Until you go through not knowing how long he'll be gone, whether or not he'll come back..or when the next time you'll hear his voice or feel the warmth of his skin..you can't understand.

I am having to emotionally ready myself for the tears and pleading that will come from my daughters to have their daddy back. I'll have to endure hearing them say that they don't want me, they want their daddy. I'll have to keep my calm composure in front of them and not cry, when everything in me is wanting to break down and sob like a baby, because all I want is to have him back too.

I know I can do this, I HAVE to do this.

My next entry will probably come soon after he leaves, in the mean time..I'm off to make memories to last me through a deployment.