Four months, one week and two days. That is how long it has been since my husband left with the Army.
In so many ways the time has flown by. It feels like he just left last week and we still have forever to go til his graduation in June, but in reality we only have two months, four weeks and two days. Less time than what we have already experienced.
I see the length in time, when I look at our girls, the way they have adjusted. They no longer plead at bedtime for him, they no longer cry hysterically for him the way they did in the past. It's not that they have forgotten about their dad or no longer love him, they have just figured out that even though Daddy is gone, they will eventually see him again and that he still loves them.
I see the amount of time he has been gone, in myself. I use to be so nervous to take the girls anywhere, alone. Not because I was scared..I just didn't want to tackle the experience of dealing with two children throwing a fit in the middle of HEB and not being able to just walk out..because I still had to shop for groceries. Or taking them to the playground and them not wanting to do the same thing and me having to be in two separate places. I have figured out ways to get through those situations. I no longer worry about going someplace with them, by myself, because I know that I can handle it. I no longer crawl into bed at night, a complete wreck because my foot warmer is states away. I don't wake up in the middle of the night wondering where he is, to eventually remember he's gone. And once again, this isn't me not loving him..this is me realizing life has to continue when he's gone and I have to remain positive to keep my girls and myself positive.
I am so ready to get this separation over with and to finally live and function as a family again. I'm not wishing this time away, because right now he can't be deployed, and even though we aren't together..he is safe. I am thankful for the fact that right now, I'm not scared that he will be deployed in a week or a month, because I know that his feet are guaranteed on American soil, til June 10th. So June 10th...take all the time you want, there is no rush for you to get here. I love my husband, more than anything in this world..and I can wait.
I am going to see him next weekend. We almost canceled that trip last night, in the thoughts of saving money. I will be driving 13+ hours the first weekend of April to see him with the girls, so it honestly wouldn't kill me to wait a few more weeks, but we decided..we really need this upcoming weekend. We haven't had a weekend just us since Mackenzie was born. Honestly, we haven't had a night just us since our honeymoon. This trip will just be like another honeymoon! We are both extremely excited and I think we are owed this trip, who knows when we will get the opportunity again.
Tim and I are excited to start this next chapter in our lives, as a family of four. We have always been a family of four..but a family of four PLUS some. We have always lived within 5 miles of both families, which has been amazing and we are so thankful..but it'll be neat to be just us also. To experience what most married couples/families experience all the time.
We should be learning our duty station soon, and I am ready to know where we will be calling home for the next four years. Tim's current room mates are graduating in April, the class before him, and a good lot of them received Korea as their upcoming assignment location. A friend's husband said the group before him received Hawaii. Personally, I'd love Alaska or Colorado. Two beautiful states!! You know what, I don't care where we get (Dear God, PLEASE not New York!) because we will be together and it will be amazing.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Bad news shouldn't come through a telephone wire.
My babies died.
Sounds crazy doesn't it? I mean, they weren't my children, just my DNA, but nonetheless they died.
Two donations, two separate couples, multiple babies, same outcome. No live births.
My heart is aching for those couples and when I sit and think about it, I feel like falling to pieces.
I did the donations in a way of honoring my friends who have suffered infertility, miscarriages, stillbirths and a very dear friend who learned of her sons death at her last doctors appointment.
I seemed to be a 'fertile myrtle', getting pregnant without wanting to, while using birth control. I figured I could do a small part in helping a couple achieve one of the dearest things in the world..a family.
I did everything required of the donor, they told me I'd be an amazing candidate. I had my first donation in June 2009 and another in November 2009. Both resulted in positive pregnancy tests, confirmed by ultrasound.
In December I received a call from a clinic in California asking me if I'd be interested in doing a donation for one of their couples. I thought about it, asked family opinions and everyone said I shouldn't do it. I decided to go ahead and do one more donation, I signed the release for medical records and faxed it to them so they could get my records from the clinic I was using here in Austin. I then received an email telling me that they couldn't continue with the process. I just figured it was because I don't have a college degree, many clinics prefer them.
Last week I received a call from the clinic here in Austin, informing me that I would no longer be able to do donations. When I asked 'why' the woman on the phone told me 'Your eggs have a low viability rate.' I guess this is where that college degree mentioned above would of come in handy, I asked her what she meant, although I already knew.
She informed me that out of 18 eggs fertilized..not a single one resulted in a live birth. I asked her if both donations resulted in a pregnancy and she informed me 'yes, the June donation made it to 5-6 months before she lost the multiples and the November made it a few months before those were lost as well."
My heart sank. So that is why the place in California wanted nothing to do with me..not because my education level..but because my babies weren't surviving. (This was confirmed by the nurse on the phone)
I feel horrible, absolutely horrible. Yes for myself, but mainly for the two couples involved..and their families. The family from June lost MULTIPLE children more than half way through their pregnancy. They knew the genders at this point..they most likely had names. They were probably preparing nurseries. The mother from November was probably just over morning sickness and finally able to start enjoying her pregnancy. My heart BREAKS for them, for what they experienced and are still dealing with and will deal with for the rest of their lives.
I feel at fault, everyone keeps telling me it wasn't my fault..but they were my eggs..they had the low viability rate, not the sperm.
And now it hits me..a loss for words. My babies died.
Sounds crazy doesn't it? I mean, they weren't my children, just my DNA, but nonetheless they died.
Two donations, two separate couples, multiple babies, same outcome. No live births.
My heart is aching for those couples and when I sit and think about it, I feel like falling to pieces.
I did the donations in a way of honoring my friends who have suffered infertility, miscarriages, stillbirths and a very dear friend who learned of her sons death at her last doctors appointment.
I seemed to be a 'fertile myrtle', getting pregnant without wanting to, while using birth control. I figured I could do a small part in helping a couple achieve one of the dearest things in the world..a family.
I did everything required of the donor, they told me I'd be an amazing candidate. I had my first donation in June 2009 and another in November 2009. Both resulted in positive pregnancy tests, confirmed by ultrasound.
In December I received a call from a clinic in California asking me if I'd be interested in doing a donation for one of their couples. I thought about it, asked family opinions and everyone said I shouldn't do it. I decided to go ahead and do one more donation, I signed the release for medical records and faxed it to them so they could get my records from the clinic I was using here in Austin. I then received an email telling me that they couldn't continue with the process. I just figured it was because I don't have a college degree, many clinics prefer them.
Last week I received a call from the clinic here in Austin, informing me that I would no longer be able to do donations. When I asked 'why' the woman on the phone told me 'Your eggs have a low viability rate.' I guess this is where that college degree mentioned above would of come in handy, I asked her what she meant, although I already knew.
She informed me that out of 18 eggs fertilized..not a single one resulted in a live birth. I asked her if both donations resulted in a pregnancy and she informed me 'yes, the June donation made it to 5-6 months before she lost the multiples and the November made it a few months before those were lost as well."
My heart sank. So that is why the place in California wanted nothing to do with me..not because my education level..but because my babies weren't surviving. (This was confirmed by the nurse on the phone)
I feel horrible, absolutely horrible. Yes for myself, but mainly for the two couples involved..and their families. The family from June lost MULTIPLE children more than half way through their pregnancy. They knew the genders at this point..they most likely had names. They were probably preparing nurseries. The mother from November was probably just over morning sickness and finally able to start enjoying her pregnancy. My heart BREAKS for them, for what they experienced and are still dealing with and will deal with for the rest of their lives.
I feel at fault, everyone keeps telling me it wasn't my fault..but they were my eggs..they had the low viability rate, not the sperm.
And now it hits me..a loss for words. My babies died.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Our Trip to see Tim graduate from BCT
So EARLY Tuesday morning at 3:45 am, we loaded up into the car to start our long trip to Tim's graduation. I had everything set up so the girls could simply fall back asleep, blankets..stuffed animals and a warm car. We left as early as we did so that the trip would seem shorter to them, in the hopes that they would fall back to sleep since it was still dark outside. I started off driving since I had slept 4 hours and my mother had worked all day then went to work Hastings and then come home to pack her bag..so she got a total of 30 minutes of sleep. It was yuck outside, if I remember correctly..it was raining. We drove the south route, we were going to stop for lunch at Gina's(April's sister) house in Slidell, Louisiana. Slidell is near New Orleans for those of you unaware. We had hoped that we left early enough to miss the morning traffic in Houston..but nope, we caught it. It didn't slow us down to much. But anyway, I drove from Round Rock to New Orleans while my mother slept some..and then slept some more in the middle of me talking to her. Thanks Mom, appreciate it.
We stopped and visited with Gina for about 45 minutes to an hour, while Madison and Mackenzie harassed, aka 'loved' their cat. Madison is use to dogs, big dogs at that..so cats are fun to her. She pet it, kissed it, hugged it and even laid on the cat, which patiently let her. From Gina's we drove to Trenton and April's in Columbus, Georgia. Mom drove that stretch of the trip.
Wednesday morning we woke up, got dressed and met April at her school to go eat at Blimpy's..or was it Subway? I can't remember. It was nice being able to spend time with her and Trenton, just wish it could of been longer. After lunch we hopped in the car and drove the rest of the way to Columbia, SC...the town holding Fort Jackson. We checked into our hotel, then drove to the post to get our visitor's pass so on Thursday morning we wouldn't have to wait in the visitor's entrance. We thought it'd be a good idea to drive around post to see where graduation and family day would take place. Family day would be outside at Hilton Field and since it was 100% chance of rain for Friday, Graduation, it would be at the Solomon center. We drove down to Hilton Field and by the barracks that my husband had been living in for the past 10 weeks. I started to get excited..I was so close to Tim!
After exploring the post, we drove back to the hotel where I abandoned my mother with my two children..so I could finally go meet with some of the army wives. Lacie (Trout) and Nicole (Hulett) were staying in the same hotel as me, so we all rode together to go meet Beth (Morrow) at a place she suggested called Hooligans. It was a cute little hole in the wall that served sandwiches. We sat and talked til past closing time..we hadn't even noticed we were the only people still in there...til the man hammering nails into the wall to support some pictures..started hammering a tad bit louder. We packed up and headed back to crash Nicole's hotel room. Thanks Nicole!!
Thursday morning, we woke up super early and got dressed..to be at Hilton Field by 8:15 am..with family day starting at 10am. We left early because we knew everyone would be fighting for good parking and good seats. We sat at the bottom..so we would be able to get on the field quickly to claim our soldiers, once family day was over. It was cold...very cold. We sat wrapped in blankets while wearing jackets..and huddling together for body warmth. Tim's parents bought the girls some Army beanies..since I was dumb and forgot theirs at the hotel. I'm a bad mom. While we were cold..wrapped up in layers..our soldiers were standing in the trees..for hours. We could see them from where we were sitting..and it was killing us.
They had a demonstration, which I can't remember what it was for..I remember the words 'Iraq' and 'war' being used. A small group of soldiers, around ten or so, ran out of the trees and acted like they were looking for the enemy. Then you heard 'bombs' go off and they dropped to the ground. Honestly, I wasn't really paying attention at this point, hangs head in shame, I was waiting for my husband! Then a few minutes later...yellow, purple and green smoke started billowing out of the trees...we all started screaming. It was them, our soldiers..running towards us.
It was amazing, and looking back now, such a blur. I remember LTC Higginbotham talking..but I wasn't paying any attention. I was more consumed with the fact that I could see my husband and would soon be able to run up and grab him. He was in the front, which provided great pictures, so I was taking lots of those too. Lacie and I were ready to run on the field we were so excited...her husband said he saw us, lol.
Then..they released us onto the field where we claimed our very frozen soldiers. We hugged, kissed..took a few photos then rushed back to the warmth of our cars. It took us awhile to get off Hilton field. Since we got there early, we had front row parking..which made it a pain to exit..with only one entrance/exit to the field..located at the very back. We probably sat in the car for about 15 minutes...before we finally were able to leave. We left Hilton Field and went to the PX where we walked around and bought Tim some much needed candy and red bulls. After we left the PX we drove a block over to see Tim's barracks. He showed us his mop, haha, they called him Mr. Clean because of how much he cleaned. His female DS always teased him that his wife must love him because of it, trust me, it's a nice perk. He also showed us the 'kill zone', the area in the middle of the room they weren't allowed to walk on. He cleaned it often.
After touring the barracks we went to go eat at the Pizza Hut on post. On Family Day, the soldiers had to stay on post..which made it a huge PITA for everyone. 1,200 soldiers and their families..all stuck on post trying to stay out of the cold. Pizza Hut only had outdoor seating..so we sat and ate our pizza..freezing to death. Our girls have been associating ACU's with Daddy..and every soldier wearing them...has recently become daddy's friend. Tim's friend count jumped that day!
After eating some pizza, we drove over to the bowling alley and waited 45 minutes to get a lane. There was a bowling alley employee who took her job a little too seriously and irritated the hell out of us. She kept trying to steal our chairs and tried to take the size 6 ball, because she said only children could use them..thats when I pointed out my two children. She also treated us like we were idiots when we asked her to put up bumpers. Apparently..at that bowling alley you push a button on your screen. Her words 'what, you don't know how to work a computer?' I could of killed her. I sucked royally at bowling..but the girls did great.
After bowling we drove over to the Solomon center and hung out in a warm indoor place..that didn't have millions of people. They had tables set up with board games, they had a climbing wall...about ten tv's with wii, xbox, playstation and they had inflatable moon walks. Tim and I played wii baseball and I kicked his butt, then we played a game of bowling with Lacie and her husband Stephen. After that, Tim and his sister Michelle went and climbed the rock wall. Michelle failed miserably and Tim climbed it like a damn spider monkey. It was hilarious.
By now, Tim only had two hours til he had to be back at his barracks and we still needed to feed him some dinner. We drove back over to the PX, which had a couple fast food chains. Tim and myself stood in line for about ten minutes (remember 1,200 families) while his parents and my mother held a table with the girls. It was nice having that 'alone time' even though we were surrounded by tons of people. It was hard not to touch him, since no PDA is allowed while in Uniform, and everyone was taking it very seriously. We ate dinner then drove Tim back to his barracks.
Family day..we left the hotel at 10am, to get to the Solomon Center for Graduation at 11am. Since it was raining and graduation was moved indoors, they only had room to graduate 2 companies at a time. Alpha and Bravo at 10am, Charlie and Delta at 11am, Echo and Foxtrot at noon. We left early in hopes of getting a good parking spot upfront, since it was raining. The parking lot was packed and they had rows of cars on the grass all the way to the road, but thankfully my mother has a temporary handicap parking pass, and we parked on the second row.
Lacie saved us seats up at the top of the stands, which ended up being perfect for photos! They brought in our soldiers..gave some awards..said some stuff...and then our guys graduated. I really had my head in my ass those two days..because I can't remember anything other than being so damn excited I could cry. I took lots of photos, I remember that. After graduation the guys had to march back to their barracks in the pouring down rain, so we drove over to pick Tim up.
After graduation the soldiers had an offpost pass til 2115, so we left post and Tim changed out of his ACU's into some dry clothes, and we went out to eat at Olive Garden. After Olive Garden we drove around looking for an assault pack for Tim, but we couldnt find one less than $180, and that was too outrageous. He ended up just sending some stuff home with me and I will mail it to him, that way he had room in his bags for all of his stuff.
After our aimless driving for 45 minutes, we went back to the hotel and Tim told his family bye. They were driving back that day, so they needed to leave early. After they left my mother took the girls out for icecream giving Tim and I some time to spend together. We ended up spending the rest of the day laying on our bed watching movies with the girls. It was a nice ending to our time with him, but it was killing us that he was about to have to leave again. Around 2030 we loaded up into the car and drove Tim back to the barracks. My mom kept the girls in the car while I ran up inside with him to get the stuff he bought for me. Tim came back out to the car and told the girls bye..it broke Mackenzie's heart and she cried. I then walked Tim back to the barracks and told him bye.
Saturday morning we started our drive home, thinking we would end up stopping in Slidell again, for the night, but we ended up just driving the whole way home. Tim was put on a plane and flown from Columbia, to Dallas..and then on to Fort Huachuca. He is so far liking AIT..he has a LOT more freedom, including his laptop and cellphone. He is still doing in-processing but will start his classes soon. He is looking forward to it. He says Fort Huachuca is beautiful, he is surrounded by mountains that are topped with snow. I can't wait til we are able to visit him, or hopefully..fly him home for a weekend. I am looking forward to being able to talk to him on a regular basis..and buying a webcam so we can skype and the girls can see him.
We stopped and visited with Gina for about 45 minutes to an hour, while Madison and Mackenzie harassed, aka 'loved' their cat. Madison is use to dogs, big dogs at that..so cats are fun to her. She pet it, kissed it, hugged it and even laid on the cat, which patiently let her. From Gina's we drove to Trenton and April's in Columbus, Georgia. Mom drove that stretch of the trip.
Wednesday morning we woke up, got dressed and met April at her school to go eat at Blimpy's..or was it Subway? I can't remember. It was nice being able to spend time with her and Trenton, just wish it could of been longer. After lunch we hopped in the car and drove the rest of the way to Columbia, SC...the town holding Fort Jackson. We checked into our hotel, then drove to the post to get our visitor's pass so on Thursday morning we wouldn't have to wait in the visitor's entrance. We thought it'd be a good idea to drive around post to see where graduation and family day would take place. Family day would be outside at Hilton Field and since it was 100% chance of rain for Friday, Graduation, it would be at the Solomon center. We drove down to Hilton Field and by the barracks that my husband had been living in for the past 10 weeks. I started to get excited..I was so close to Tim!
After exploring the post, we drove back to the hotel where I abandoned my mother with my two children..so I could finally go meet with some of the army wives. Lacie (Trout) and Nicole (Hulett) were staying in the same hotel as me, so we all rode together to go meet Beth (Morrow) at a place she suggested called Hooligans. It was a cute little hole in the wall that served sandwiches. We sat and talked til past closing time..we hadn't even noticed we were the only people still in there...til the man hammering nails into the wall to support some pictures..started hammering a tad bit louder. We packed up and headed back to crash Nicole's hotel room. Thanks Nicole!!
Thursday morning, we woke up super early and got dressed..to be at Hilton Field by 8:15 am..with family day starting at 10am. We left early because we knew everyone would be fighting for good parking and good seats. We sat at the bottom..so we would be able to get on the field quickly to claim our soldiers, once family day was over. It was cold...very cold. We sat wrapped in blankets while wearing jackets..and huddling together for body warmth. Tim's parents bought the girls some Army beanies..since I was dumb and forgot theirs at the hotel. I'm a bad mom. While we were cold..wrapped up in layers..our soldiers were standing in the trees..for hours. We could see them from where we were sitting..and it was killing us.
They had a demonstration, which I can't remember what it was for..I remember the words 'Iraq' and 'war' being used. A small group of soldiers, around ten or so, ran out of the trees and acted like they were looking for the enemy. Then you heard 'bombs' go off and they dropped to the ground. Honestly, I wasn't really paying attention at this point, hangs head in shame, I was waiting for my husband! Then a few minutes later...yellow, purple and green smoke started billowing out of the trees...we all started screaming. It was them, our soldiers..running towards us.
It was amazing, and looking back now, such a blur. I remember LTC Higginbotham talking..but I wasn't paying any attention. I was more consumed with the fact that I could see my husband and would soon be able to run up and grab him. He was in the front, which provided great pictures, so I was taking lots of those too. Lacie and I were ready to run on the field we were so excited...her husband said he saw us, lol.
Then..they released us onto the field where we claimed our very frozen soldiers. We hugged, kissed..took a few photos then rushed back to the warmth of our cars. It took us awhile to get off Hilton field. Since we got there early, we had front row parking..which made it a pain to exit..with only one entrance/exit to the field..located at the very back. We probably sat in the car for about 15 minutes...before we finally were able to leave. We left Hilton Field and went to the PX where we walked around and bought Tim some much needed candy and red bulls. After we left the PX we drove a block over to see Tim's barracks. He showed us his mop, haha, they called him Mr. Clean because of how much he cleaned. His female DS always teased him that his wife must love him because of it, trust me, it's a nice perk. He also showed us the 'kill zone', the area in the middle of the room they weren't allowed to walk on. He cleaned it often.
After touring the barracks we went to go eat at the Pizza Hut on post. On Family Day, the soldiers had to stay on post..which made it a huge PITA for everyone. 1,200 soldiers and their families..all stuck on post trying to stay out of the cold. Pizza Hut only had outdoor seating..so we sat and ate our pizza..freezing to death. Our girls have been associating ACU's with Daddy..and every soldier wearing them...has recently become daddy's friend. Tim's friend count jumped that day!
After eating some pizza, we drove over to the bowling alley and waited 45 minutes to get a lane. There was a bowling alley employee who took her job a little too seriously and irritated the hell out of us. She kept trying to steal our chairs and tried to take the size 6 ball, because she said only children could use them..thats when I pointed out my two children. She also treated us like we were idiots when we asked her to put up bumpers. Apparently..at that bowling alley you push a button on your screen. Her words 'what, you don't know how to work a computer?' I could of killed her. I sucked royally at bowling..but the girls did great.
After bowling we drove over to the Solomon center and hung out in a warm indoor place..that didn't have millions of people. They had tables set up with board games, they had a climbing wall...about ten tv's with wii, xbox, playstation and they had inflatable moon walks. Tim and I played wii baseball and I kicked his butt, then we played a game of bowling with Lacie and her husband Stephen. After that, Tim and his sister Michelle went and climbed the rock wall. Michelle failed miserably and Tim climbed it like a damn spider monkey. It was hilarious.
By now, Tim only had two hours til he had to be back at his barracks and we still needed to feed him some dinner. We drove back over to the PX, which had a couple fast food chains. Tim and myself stood in line for about ten minutes (remember 1,200 families) while his parents and my mother held a table with the girls. It was nice having that 'alone time' even though we were surrounded by tons of people. It was hard not to touch him, since no PDA is allowed while in Uniform, and everyone was taking it very seriously. We ate dinner then drove Tim back to his barracks.
Family day..we left the hotel at 10am, to get to the Solomon Center for Graduation at 11am. Since it was raining and graduation was moved indoors, they only had room to graduate 2 companies at a time. Alpha and Bravo at 10am, Charlie and Delta at 11am, Echo and Foxtrot at noon. We left early in hopes of getting a good parking spot upfront, since it was raining. The parking lot was packed and they had rows of cars on the grass all the way to the road, but thankfully my mother has a temporary handicap parking pass, and we parked on the second row.
Lacie saved us seats up at the top of the stands, which ended up being perfect for photos! They brought in our soldiers..gave some awards..said some stuff...and then our guys graduated. I really had my head in my ass those two days..because I can't remember anything other than being so damn excited I could cry. I took lots of photos, I remember that. After graduation the guys had to march back to their barracks in the pouring down rain, so we drove over to pick Tim up.
After graduation the soldiers had an offpost pass til 2115, so we left post and Tim changed out of his ACU's into some dry clothes, and we went out to eat at Olive Garden. After Olive Garden we drove around looking for an assault pack for Tim, but we couldnt find one less than $180, and that was too outrageous. He ended up just sending some stuff home with me and I will mail it to him, that way he had room in his bags for all of his stuff.
After our aimless driving for 45 minutes, we went back to the hotel and Tim told his family bye. They were driving back that day, so they needed to leave early. After they left my mother took the girls out for icecream giving Tim and I some time to spend together. We ended up spending the rest of the day laying on our bed watching movies with the girls. It was a nice ending to our time with him, but it was killing us that he was about to have to leave again. Around 2030 we loaded up into the car and drove Tim back to the barracks. My mom kept the girls in the car while I ran up inside with him to get the stuff he bought for me. Tim came back out to the car and told the girls bye..it broke Mackenzie's heart and she cried. I then walked Tim back to the barracks and told him bye.
Saturday morning we started our drive home, thinking we would end up stopping in Slidell again, for the night, but we ended up just driving the whole way home. Tim was put on a plane and flown from Columbia, to Dallas..and then on to Fort Huachuca. He is so far liking AIT..he has a LOT more freedom, including his laptop and cellphone. He is still doing in-processing but will start his classes soon. He is looking forward to it. He says Fort Huachuca is beautiful, he is surrounded by mountains that are topped with snow. I can't wait til we are able to visit him, or hopefully..fly him home for a weekend. I am looking forward to being able to talk to him on a regular basis..and buying a webcam so we can skype and the girls can see him.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
My financial issue
In September my younger daughter Madison got very sick, they think now that it was Swine Flu. She was running temps in excess of 105 and had a seizure at her daycare. We took her to the hospital on 9/18. They weren't able to tell us what was wrong with her. We took her again on 9/20 when her fever was at 106 and she was blue and barely breathing. Both times they did chest xrays to check for Pneumonia, blood work, urine cultures..and they couldn't tell us what was wrong with her. The second trip (9/20) they gave her a round of antibiotics after I requested them.
Then on 10/3 I had to take my older daughter Mackenzie back to the emergency rooms because she was bleeding from her eyes when she cried.
The following Monday, (10/5) I took both my girls to the pediatrician because they were both ill.
I received bills in the mail and kept all of them, they totaled up to $2,918. I kept them because I was applying for CHIP (Texas medicaid for children) in hopes that they would help pay the bills. We weren't accepted so it turned to paying it ourselves.
I had five different places I was sending checks too and so I only sent $20 to each location.
I got a letter in the mail last week stating we were turned over to collections for unpaid medical bills. I ignored if, stupidly, because we had sent money. Then yesterday I received a phone call from a woman at Dell Children's Hospital asking if we had paid any money to our bills. I informed her that I had. The woman asked how much I paid to each bill every month and I told her $20 and she told me 'thats not enough to keep you out of collections." So I asked her how much I'd have to pay each month to stay out of collections and she told me "380 every month for 12 months". I asked her how much the entire bill was for the minimum payment to be that high, she responded back with $4,936.
I hung up with her very pissed off because I knew it wasn't that high, I had all of my bills. I found every bill they ever sent us and added them up. I owe the hopsital $1,152 and the girl's pediatrician is owed $532 and I owe the X-Ray place $82.
So today I called collections to find out how much was owed to them. I was told that I wasn't in the system but would show up soon if I had been told to call them, that I should call back in a few days. I called Dell's to get an itemized list of what I owed and to find out the exact numbers. The 'lovely' woman on the phone informed me that I owe $1,783 for Madison's appointment on 9/18 and another $2,881 for her appointment on 9/20. She told me Mackenzie's appointment on 10/3 was $272. I asked her why the bills I had here at home weren't adding up with the ones she was telling me and she told me "Oh, we never sent you these bills."
Well why the hell not!? How are you going to turn me over to collections for something that you never sent me a bill for? How are you going to turn me over to collections when you never even called me to find out why I wasn't paying? Why are you going to turn me into collections for something that happened 3.5 months ago when you didn't even let me know that I owed it?!
I'm not refusing to pay the bills, I never refused to pay them. I would gladly send checks to them, had they sent me a bill. What upsets me is that I was never sent a bill, never sent a letter saying 'hey, pay this bill or we're turning you into collections'. It's like they made no effort whatsoever and just threw me to collections.
So the $4,936 that the woman quoted me, doesn't even include the $1,766 from the bills that I have in my room. This whole sum turns out to be $6,702...I am sick, sick. I wasn't excited that I was having to pay towards hospital bills...when the hospital couldn't tell me what was wrong with my child. I wasn't thrilled with the amount..I'm really upset about this whole thing.
So tomorrow I get to call the Hospital and get them to once again admit they never sent me a bill for those numbers. Watch, I bet they don't admit it tomorrow, I bet you. After I get off the phone with them I have to call the JAG office and let them know that we have been turned into collections for a bill I was never sent. I have to ask them what they think I should do, and most of all..let them know I wasn't refusing to pay it. Tim is currently going through a background check..where they also check his credit. It's very important for his MOS. I want them to be aware that us being in collections isn't because we refused to pay a bill, it was because we were never sent the bill.
Someone send up some prayers for me. Tim and I were suppose to be able to completely pay off our debt while he was in BCT and AIT...now...that won't be happening. I can't tell Tim this though..because it's not what he needs to be worried about while he has much more important things on his plate. So like I said..please send up a prayer for me..because I am emotionally drained and feel a break down coming on.
Then on 10/3 I had to take my older daughter Mackenzie back to the emergency rooms because she was bleeding from her eyes when she cried.
The following Monday, (10/5) I took both my girls to the pediatrician because they were both ill.
I received bills in the mail and kept all of them, they totaled up to $2,918. I kept them because I was applying for CHIP (Texas medicaid for children) in hopes that they would help pay the bills. We weren't accepted so it turned to paying it ourselves.
I had five different places I was sending checks too and so I only sent $20 to each location.
I got a letter in the mail last week stating we were turned over to collections for unpaid medical bills. I ignored if, stupidly, because we had sent money. Then yesterday I received a phone call from a woman at Dell Children's Hospital asking if we had paid any money to our bills. I informed her that I had. The woman asked how much I paid to each bill every month and I told her $20 and she told me 'thats not enough to keep you out of collections." So I asked her how much I'd have to pay each month to stay out of collections and she told me "380 every month for 12 months". I asked her how much the entire bill was for the minimum payment to be that high, she responded back with $4,936.
I hung up with her very pissed off because I knew it wasn't that high, I had all of my bills. I found every bill they ever sent us and added them up. I owe the hopsital $1,152 and the girl's pediatrician is owed $532 and I owe the X-Ray place $82.
So today I called collections to find out how much was owed to them. I was told that I wasn't in the system but would show up soon if I had been told to call them, that I should call back in a few days. I called Dell's to get an itemized list of what I owed and to find out the exact numbers. The 'lovely' woman on the phone informed me that I owe $1,783 for Madison's appointment on 9/18 and another $2,881 for her appointment on 9/20. She told me Mackenzie's appointment on 10/3 was $272. I asked her why the bills I had here at home weren't adding up with the ones she was telling me and she told me "Oh, we never sent you these bills."
Well why the hell not!? How are you going to turn me over to collections for something that you never sent me a bill for? How are you going to turn me over to collections when you never even called me to find out why I wasn't paying? Why are you going to turn me into collections for something that happened 3.5 months ago when you didn't even let me know that I owed it?!
I'm not refusing to pay the bills, I never refused to pay them. I would gladly send checks to them, had they sent me a bill. What upsets me is that I was never sent a bill, never sent a letter saying 'hey, pay this bill or we're turning you into collections'. It's like they made no effort whatsoever and just threw me to collections.
So the $4,936 that the woman quoted me, doesn't even include the $1,766 from the bills that I have in my room. This whole sum turns out to be $6,702...I am sick, sick. I wasn't excited that I was having to pay towards hospital bills...when the hospital couldn't tell me what was wrong with my child. I wasn't thrilled with the amount..I'm really upset about this whole thing.
So tomorrow I get to call the Hospital and get them to once again admit they never sent me a bill for those numbers. Watch, I bet they don't admit it tomorrow, I bet you. After I get off the phone with them I have to call the JAG office and let them know that we have been turned into collections for a bill I was never sent. I have to ask them what they think I should do, and most of all..let them know I wasn't refusing to pay it. Tim is currently going through a background check..where they also check his credit. It's very important for his MOS. I want them to be aware that us being in collections isn't because we refused to pay a bill, it was because we were never sent the bill.
Someone send up some prayers for me. Tim and I were suppose to be able to completely pay off our debt while he was in BCT and AIT...now...that won't be happening. I can't tell Tim this though..because it's not what he needs to be worried about while he has much more important things on his plate. So like I said..please send up a prayer for me..because I am emotionally drained and feel a break down coming on.
Monday, January 4, 2010
7 weeks later..and onto another countdown
So my last entry was awhile ago..like..forever ago. It's been 7 weeks as of tomorrow and guess what, I'm still alive.
Tim came home for his leave, Christmas Exodus, and went back yesterday. When he came home he was definitely in the military mindset. He was "walking with a purpose" (which means speed walking as fast as he could to the next place he was headed), speaking VERY loudly and almost told his sister "add a sir to that" when she was speaking to her manager at work. He was barking orders at me and the girls and calling people out in HEB for staring at him, which I dumbly pointed out one night. (I told him a man had been staring at him for a good 5 minutes and he turned to look at the guy who was less than 10 feet from us and pointed at him while saying 'you mean this guy?') I wanted to die. After a few days he calmed down and became old Tim again, which was nice. For about the first week, the girls refused to let him out of their sights and he didn't object. There were lots of cuddles and kisses and 'my daddy is here'.
It was definitely nice having him home with us. Since it was Christmas, family came into town and one of those family members is my brother, Trenton, who is also in the Army. At first Tim was intimidated of him, after 5 years of knowing the guy, because he has the rank that a DS has. I told him he was an idiot, but still thought it was funny. He had a good break from basic, and wasn't ready to go back. He was ready to have it over with, but the two weeks went way too fast for him. He was able to hang out with friends, drink a few beers and relax. It was nice.
Finally after not having a single professional photo done since Mackenzie's 6 months and mine and Tim's back in Dec 05...we had our first complete family photo. I had originally planned on having a friend shoot some outside photos, but it didn't happen before he left for basic and these were done less than 24 hours after I reserved them. They turned out awesome, especially the ones of the girls. They were both all smiles and playing to the camera. Tim even smiled in a few too. I'm so thankful I was able to get those before he left. Tim's family also wanted family photos so those were done too, but our girls weren't too excited about those, so they didn't smile.
He left yesterday and that was especially hard on him. We were leaving for the airport at 1:30 and at we laid the girls down for their nap at noon. Normally their naps are an hour long, but this one would of been longer had we not needed to wake them up. I woke up Mackenzie and told her 'you need to wake up, daddy has to go to the airport, it's time for him to go back to school'. (We had been calling it school, because it was the closest thing for our girls to relate it too. My brother Trey would come home for the summer and Christmas and then go back to school, and the girls were use to that, so we told them daddy was going to school and would be away for awhile.) Mackenzie went to Tim and wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed him tightly and said 'I don't want you to go' and it hit him like a train. We took a couple photos of the girls with their daddy and then we were off to the airport.
I had been told by a few other wives to get a gate pass so I'd be able to sit with him, so we left a few minutes early hoping we'd be able to get me one. I was thrilled that I was able to get one, it made it so much easier. We sat over in a corner by ourselves and took photos and talked. When it came time for him to board the plane, we did good, no tears! I did have a mental breakdown on the way out of the airport though, thank God for waterproof mascara.
So here we are...on another countdown. His family day is Thursday February 4th and graduation is Friday, February 5th. I will be driving to my brother's house in Columbus GA on Tuesday, February 2nd and staying the night..then driving the 5 hours from Columbus to Columbia, SC on Wednesday. I plan on buying a DVD player for the car with the dual screens to go on the headrests for the girls. It'll be my first long trip without Tim there to help me, so I'm fairly nervous! I already booked my hotel off post, and I'm hoping that I can book one ON post 10 days prior. You can't book more than 10 days in advance for your stay, so I plan on waking up 8am their time and calling the first day. Hopefully I can get it! They won't be allowed off post during family day, hence why people try so hard to get stay on-post, so they aren't stuck in an overcrowded mall or bowling alley with all the other families.
Well, there is my update/ramble.
Tim came home for his leave, Christmas Exodus, and went back yesterday. When he came home he was definitely in the military mindset. He was "walking with a purpose" (which means speed walking as fast as he could to the next place he was headed), speaking VERY loudly and almost told his sister "add a sir to that" when she was speaking to her manager at work. He was barking orders at me and the girls and calling people out in HEB for staring at him, which I dumbly pointed out one night. (I told him a man had been staring at him for a good 5 minutes and he turned to look at the guy who was less than 10 feet from us and pointed at him while saying 'you mean this guy?') I wanted to die. After a few days he calmed down and became old Tim again, which was nice. For about the first week, the girls refused to let him out of their sights and he didn't object. There were lots of cuddles and kisses and 'my daddy is here'.
It was definitely nice having him home with us. Since it was Christmas, family came into town and one of those family members is my brother, Trenton, who is also in the Army. At first Tim was intimidated of him, after 5 years of knowing the guy, because he has the rank that a DS has. I told him he was an idiot, but still thought it was funny. He had a good break from basic, and wasn't ready to go back. He was ready to have it over with, but the two weeks went way too fast for him. He was able to hang out with friends, drink a few beers and relax. It was nice.
Finally after not having a single professional photo done since Mackenzie's 6 months and mine and Tim's back in Dec 05...we had our first complete family photo. I had originally planned on having a friend shoot some outside photos, but it didn't happen before he left for basic and these were done less than 24 hours after I reserved them. They turned out awesome, especially the ones of the girls. They were both all smiles and playing to the camera. Tim even smiled in a few too. I'm so thankful I was able to get those before he left. Tim's family also wanted family photos so those were done too, but our girls weren't too excited about those, so they didn't smile.
He left yesterday and that was especially hard on him. We were leaving for the airport at 1:30 and at we laid the girls down for their nap at noon. Normally their naps are an hour long, but this one would of been longer had we not needed to wake them up. I woke up Mackenzie and told her 'you need to wake up, daddy has to go to the airport, it's time for him to go back to school'. (We had been calling it school, because it was the closest thing for our girls to relate it too. My brother Trey would come home for the summer and Christmas and then go back to school, and the girls were use to that, so we told them daddy was going to school and would be away for awhile.) Mackenzie went to Tim and wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed him tightly and said 'I don't want you to go' and it hit him like a train. We took a couple photos of the girls with their daddy and then we were off to the airport.
I had been told by a few other wives to get a gate pass so I'd be able to sit with him, so we left a few minutes early hoping we'd be able to get me one. I was thrilled that I was able to get one, it made it so much easier. We sat over in a corner by ourselves and took photos and talked. When it came time for him to board the plane, we did good, no tears! I did have a mental breakdown on the way out of the airport though, thank God for waterproof mascara.
So here we are...on another countdown. His family day is Thursday February 4th and graduation is Friday, February 5th. I will be driving to my brother's house in Columbus GA on Tuesday, February 2nd and staying the night..then driving the 5 hours from Columbus to Columbia, SC on Wednesday. I plan on buying a DVD player for the car with the dual screens to go on the headrests for the girls. It'll be my first long trip without Tim there to help me, so I'm fairly nervous! I already booked my hotel off post, and I'm hoping that I can book one ON post 10 days prior. You can't book more than 10 days in advance for your stay, so I plan on waking up 8am their time and calling the first day. Hopefully I can get it! They won't be allowed off post during family day, hence why people try so hard to get stay on-post, so they aren't stuck in an overcrowded mall or bowling alley with all the other families.
Well, there is my update/ramble.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Just for Sexy Slushie Sarah
So at the request/demand from Sarah...I will write an update blog.
Tim has been gone for 2 weeks and 1 day. It actually, surprisingly, hasn't been as hard as I was expecting. Yes...yes...I know, everyone told me I'd be okay..but watching the days get closer and closer for him to leave..it was hard. I was able to speak to him pretty regularly from when he left til he went down range for basic, which was Monday, Nov 9th. They were allowed to have their phones and I think most of that was due to the Ft. Hood shootings. A lot of them were pretty shooken up, as was the nation. The night before he went down range, Sunday the 8th, he was able to speak to me on the phone for about 45 minutes and he was depressed. He said he was ready to get it over with so he could come home, but that he really missed us. I don't blame him..what those guys (when I say that, I'm including women too) were about to go through is pretty rough stuff. Especially the drill sergeants telling the fathers 'don't worry about your kids, Jodi (what the military refers to as the man who steps in when you're not around) is taking care of them and fucking your wife' Yeah, pretty heavy shit. Doesn't sound too bad written out, but those soldiers will tell you, that when you're sleep deprived, privacy deprived and homesick..it gets to you. We ended our phone conversation on a good note, with him laughing, excited and ready to get it all taken care of.
He called me Monday morning for 10 seconds telling me they needed a scanned copy of my drivers license, that they needed it for DEERS. He then called me for another 15 seconds on Tuesday morning to tell me his mailing address. Within that 15 seconds I asked how he was doing and he said 'awesome, i'm enjoying it.' I asked if he had been 'smoked' yet and he said 'oh yeah...we all have'. And that was the end to our phone convo's. I haven't heard from him in a week but have written multiple letters. I miss him like crazy but I'm not letting it get me down, gotta stay positive. He told me in the beginning, 'you can't get depressed because I need you to be strong for me. If you get depressed, I get depressed, and we don't want that!' So I've been staying positive. 29 days til I am able to pick him up from the airport and he is wearing his ACU's...hot stuff. And yes, I've already bought a new outfit for that occasion. :)
On to another topic, I quit my job. HOORAY!!! I'm not going to talk about how awful that place was or how management was all screwed in the head, because lets face it, everyone knows by now. I am so excited to be a stay at home mom again. Tim always jokes that I am allergic to work and that if he can make it work, he'd rather me never have to work another day in my life. I support that decision, lol. I do want to go to school one day to make myself a bit independent..but right now..I am happy to sit at home with my girls watching cartoons in the morning, baking blueberry muffins for breakfast and going for walks and going on playdates. :) I plan on, hopefully soon, buying a double jogging stroller so the girls and I can start going on LOOONG walks and I can get some more excercise. Except the really nice strollers are fairly expensive, at least in my opinion. Hopefully I can get one of those strollers soon though.
Madison has started sleeping in my old twin size bed that is in her room. When you see me say 'her room' what that means is..we are living with my mother, and my bedroom was left the way it was when I moved out back in 2005. What we did when we moved in was, we emptied the closet, since I obviously can't fit into any of that crap anymore, and we put the girls clothes in it. We then assembled Madison's bed in my room. So my old room, is now, her room. Well she started climbing out of the crib and climbing into my twin size bed and started sleeping in it. Right now I have the crib pushed up along side the bed so she can't roll off (the bed is against a wall so it only has one open side). It's working for now, I just need to get one of those bed rails that hooks on under the mattress, so I can FINALLY get rid of the crib. I can't believe Madison will be turning 2 on the 7th of next month. Where does the time go? Really!?
Mackenzie's attitude is finally improving after being home for awhile and not around the kids at her school. For the entire time she was enrolled, she was terrible. Hitting, kicking, spitting, talking back and being disrespectful, and not just at school but at home too. Everyone was getting tired of it quick and despite the discipline, talks and things being taken away..it wasn't getting any better. I think she was just desperate for attention, she has spent her entire life with one on one contact...she gets bored easily and likes to always have something to catch her attention..and I don't think she was getting that while I was working. Mackenzie is spoiled and not the bad kind of spoiled, not spoiled with toys and materialistic things, she is spoiled with attention and interaction. She doesn't want you to throw a toy down infront of her and walk away..she wants you to play with her. She doesn't want you to give her some crayons and paper..she wants you to talk to her while she does. This kid is a full time job :) but it makes for a healthy toddler. It was hard on her being away from Madison also. They weren't able to play with each other, and by the time they got home from school..they were both so tired and grouchy they fought until bed time. It's nice to see them playing together again and laughing.
Well Sarah...how was that for an update? lol
Tim has been gone for 2 weeks and 1 day. It actually, surprisingly, hasn't been as hard as I was expecting. Yes...yes...I know, everyone told me I'd be okay..but watching the days get closer and closer for him to leave..it was hard. I was able to speak to him pretty regularly from when he left til he went down range for basic, which was Monday, Nov 9th. They were allowed to have their phones and I think most of that was due to the Ft. Hood shootings. A lot of them were pretty shooken up, as was the nation. The night before he went down range, Sunday the 8th, he was able to speak to me on the phone for about 45 minutes and he was depressed. He said he was ready to get it over with so he could come home, but that he really missed us. I don't blame him..what those guys (when I say that, I'm including women too) were about to go through is pretty rough stuff. Especially the drill sergeants telling the fathers 'don't worry about your kids, Jodi (what the military refers to as the man who steps in when you're not around) is taking care of them and fucking your wife' Yeah, pretty heavy shit. Doesn't sound too bad written out, but those soldiers will tell you, that when you're sleep deprived, privacy deprived and homesick..it gets to you. We ended our phone conversation on a good note, with him laughing, excited and ready to get it all taken care of.
He called me Monday morning for 10 seconds telling me they needed a scanned copy of my drivers license, that they needed it for DEERS. He then called me for another 15 seconds on Tuesday morning to tell me his mailing address. Within that 15 seconds I asked how he was doing and he said 'awesome, i'm enjoying it.' I asked if he had been 'smoked' yet and he said 'oh yeah...we all have'. And that was the end to our phone convo's. I haven't heard from him in a week but have written multiple letters. I miss him like crazy but I'm not letting it get me down, gotta stay positive. He told me in the beginning, 'you can't get depressed because I need you to be strong for me. If you get depressed, I get depressed, and we don't want that!' So I've been staying positive. 29 days til I am able to pick him up from the airport and he is wearing his ACU's...hot stuff. And yes, I've already bought a new outfit for that occasion. :)
On to another topic, I quit my job. HOORAY!!! I'm not going to talk about how awful that place was or how management was all screwed in the head, because lets face it, everyone knows by now. I am so excited to be a stay at home mom again. Tim always jokes that I am allergic to work and that if he can make it work, he'd rather me never have to work another day in my life. I support that decision, lol. I do want to go to school one day to make myself a bit independent..but right now..I am happy to sit at home with my girls watching cartoons in the morning, baking blueberry muffins for breakfast and going for walks and going on playdates. :) I plan on, hopefully soon, buying a double jogging stroller so the girls and I can start going on LOOONG walks and I can get some more excercise. Except the really nice strollers are fairly expensive, at least in my opinion. Hopefully I can get one of those strollers soon though.
Madison has started sleeping in my old twin size bed that is in her room. When you see me say 'her room' what that means is..we are living with my mother, and my bedroom was left the way it was when I moved out back in 2005. What we did when we moved in was, we emptied the closet, since I obviously can't fit into any of that crap anymore, and we put the girls clothes in it. We then assembled Madison's bed in my room. So my old room, is now, her room. Well she started climbing out of the crib and climbing into my twin size bed and started sleeping in it. Right now I have the crib pushed up along side the bed so she can't roll off (the bed is against a wall so it only has one open side). It's working for now, I just need to get one of those bed rails that hooks on under the mattress, so I can FINALLY get rid of the crib. I can't believe Madison will be turning 2 on the 7th of next month. Where does the time go? Really!?
Mackenzie's attitude is finally improving after being home for awhile and not around the kids at her school. For the entire time she was enrolled, she was terrible. Hitting, kicking, spitting, talking back and being disrespectful, and not just at school but at home too. Everyone was getting tired of it quick and despite the discipline, talks and things being taken away..it wasn't getting any better. I think she was just desperate for attention, she has spent her entire life with one on one contact...she gets bored easily and likes to always have something to catch her attention..and I don't think she was getting that while I was working. Mackenzie is spoiled and not the bad kind of spoiled, not spoiled with toys and materialistic things, she is spoiled with attention and interaction. She doesn't want you to throw a toy down infront of her and walk away..she wants you to play with her. She doesn't want you to give her some crayons and paper..she wants you to talk to her while she does. This kid is a full time job :) but it makes for a healthy toddler. It was hard on her being away from Madison also. They weren't able to play with each other, and by the time they got home from school..they were both so tired and grouchy they fought until bed time. It's nice to see them playing together again and laughing.
Well Sarah...how was that for an update? lol
Monday, November 2, 2009
My husband left today..
So Tim left this afternoon for Army basic training at Fort Jackson, South Carolina.
I am at a complete loss for words. I seriously have nothing to say about all of this, and I don't really want too. So for a future disclaimer, if you see me out and about, say walking in HEB, don't ask me 'how are you doing?' because it's highly likely I'll just burst into tears. This has happened already. The tellers at our bank saw me and asked 'Did Tim leave today? How are you doing?' and I almost lost it. I simply said 'Yeah he did, and it's hard.' and I think my eyes getting teary gave them the hint.
It's what I told Tim, I'm not crying because I'm upset that he joined or that I wish he hadn't, because it's not that. I am very VERY proud of my husband for becoming a soldier, especially in war time. I'm upset because for the past 5 years I have had my best friend with me every day and have been able to joke and laugh with him, and now, he's gone. Well not 'gone' gone, but you know what I mean. It's so hard to hear a simple song on the radio that him and I would sing all the words too and not have him in the seat beside me singing along. It's hard that when I came back to pick up the girl's from their Oma's house, that Madison was upset because Daddy didn't come back with me. He's my best friend and I miss him dearly, I want him back home too.
I know that now that he's in the military it's 'one of those things you have to get use too', but saying that is a whole lot easier than doing it. I swear if someone says it to me one more time, I'm going to ask them where they found their fucking 'emotion switch' to turn off. It's not easy, it's not easy to know something in your head and then to put it into actions, when it's not what you're use too. Am I going to eventually get over this? No, I don't think you get over something like this. Am I going to learn how to cope with it, where I don't cry at the drop of a hat? I certainly hope so.
I put on Tim's St.Christopher necklace earlier when I came home from the recruiter's station, after dropping him off. It's a necklace Tim's mother bought for him a few years ago. Tim isn't really big on it, but he wears it when he goes on a trip or has to leave us for a certain amount of time. I had planned on buying him a more sturdy one for him to wear at basic, but I didn't have the money. So I'm wearing it while he is gone. It's weird to me, I'm not Catholic and don't really understand the whole saint thing, but it makes me feel better.
I'm rambling. He comes home in 45 days for two weeks. Yay, another countdown. I can't wait til I can have him home with me again, even if it's only for two weeks.
I am at a complete loss for words. I seriously have nothing to say about all of this, and I don't really want too. So for a future disclaimer, if you see me out and about, say walking in HEB, don't ask me 'how are you doing?' because it's highly likely I'll just burst into tears. This has happened already. The tellers at our bank saw me and asked 'Did Tim leave today? How are you doing?' and I almost lost it. I simply said 'Yeah he did, and it's hard.' and I think my eyes getting teary gave them the hint.
It's what I told Tim, I'm not crying because I'm upset that he joined or that I wish he hadn't, because it's not that. I am very VERY proud of my husband for becoming a soldier, especially in war time. I'm upset because for the past 5 years I have had my best friend with me every day and have been able to joke and laugh with him, and now, he's gone. Well not 'gone' gone, but you know what I mean. It's so hard to hear a simple song on the radio that him and I would sing all the words too and not have him in the seat beside me singing along. It's hard that when I came back to pick up the girl's from their Oma's house, that Madison was upset because Daddy didn't come back with me. He's my best friend and I miss him dearly, I want him back home too.
I know that now that he's in the military it's 'one of those things you have to get use too', but saying that is a whole lot easier than doing it. I swear if someone says it to me one more time, I'm going to ask them where they found their fucking 'emotion switch' to turn off. It's not easy, it's not easy to know something in your head and then to put it into actions, when it's not what you're use too. Am I going to eventually get over this? No, I don't think you get over something like this. Am I going to learn how to cope with it, where I don't cry at the drop of a hat? I certainly hope so.
I put on Tim's St.Christopher necklace earlier when I came home from the recruiter's station, after dropping him off. It's a necklace Tim's mother bought for him a few years ago. Tim isn't really big on it, but he wears it when he goes on a trip or has to leave us for a certain amount of time. I had planned on buying him a more sturdy one for him to wear at basic, but I didn't have the money. So I'm wearing it while he is gone. It's weird to me, I'm not Catholic and don't really understand the whole saint thing, but it makes me feel better.
I'm rambling. He comes home in 45 days for two weeks. Yay, another countdown. I can't wait til I can have him home with me again, even if it's only for two weeks.
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