So, I thought I might write an entry about something other than deployment. Great idea right? So lets talk about how I'm dying.
Insert witty comment from friend here: we're all dying. Well, that is true..I'm just dying faster and in a suckier way.
I can't remember when exactly my symptoms started, I just know that I have been taking Iron supplements for at least the past year. So whatever is going on with my body, isn't something new and isn't something stress related due to the deployment.
Oh, symptoms, let me tell you my symptoms. Dizzy, lightheaded, fatigue, nausea, heart palpitations, shortness of breath and headaches. I figured that since I have a history of anemia (pernicious anemia as an infant) and had low iron levels after the birth of Mad, that it was probably my iron levels. Well, I took Iron for over a year without a single change. I've also noticed in the past 6 months that its most common during the mornings and drinking coffee makes it worse. Drinking coffee makes it MUCH worse.
Tim has been asking me to go to the doctor since this past July and probably even earlier than that, but I hate the doctors office so I refused. Well, that eventually bit me in the ass.
On March 2nd I had a routine exam at the doctor's office, the military demanded I go, so I kind of had too. Immediately following my exam I began feeling sick. My body started sweating and I couldn't seem to catch my breath. I tried to get out of the exam room as quickly as possible, so I could wait out the issues in the waiting room. All I remember is walking towards the front of the clinic before blacking out. When I woke I was in a wheelchair, back in the exam room with my hands and feet completely rigid and tingling.
Here is a tip folks, if you plan on blacking out, do it surrounded by soldiers. They apparently love any excuse to come to the rescue as I was told I had about 9 run up to me when I hit the ground. Sorry husband, I was lonely.
Anyway, they ended up checking my blood pressure and everything was normal so they ordered me to come back two weeks later for blood work.
Fast-forward two weeks, blood work. Yeah, everything came back normal. They told me my Iron was a little low but not low enough to cause my symptoms. They told me to start taking prenatals and have set me up an appointment to come back in 3 months for additional blood work to see if it improves my iron levels. In the mean time, I have been referred to a cardiologist.
Woohoo!! A freaking cardiologist, because THAT makes me feel a million times better. I mean, its only my heart they are showing concern about. I have tried calling cardio to set up an appointment, but haven't heard anything back yet.
My doctor believes I have a condition called Vasovagal Syncope. In simple man's terms... I have sudden drops in my blood pressure and heart rate that reduces blood flow to my brain resulting in dizziness and blackouts. Hooray! Cause that isn't anything to be concerned about, especially while I'm home alone with two children.
See, so I'm dying. Anyway, that is an update on me..hopefully I will be able to reach cardio this week in order to set up an appointment to figure out if that is what it is..and how we will take care of it.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sometimes it's the little things that get you through..
Little reminders, they get me through my day.
His toothbrush still sits in the holder where he last put it. I know, kind of weird. I don't expect him to use it when he gets back, that would just be gross, but it is HIS toothbrush still none the less. I find comfort in the fact that something of his still sits beside something of mine. It's a reminder of normalcy, a normalcy that will return eventually.
His body wash is still in the shower. I admit that I even use it from time to time, the smell brings comfort that his dirty shirt is slowly losing. I am able to fall asleep smelling 'him'. I just hope that the people I come into contact with don't get close enough to realize I smell like a man.
His dirty shirt still sits crumpled on the cabinet in the closet. I really should of put it in a bag to keep the smell, it's nearly gone. On a really hard day, it brings comfort as well.
His shoes still line the wall inside our closet, in a perfect row. He never kept his shoes in a perfect row.
Today marks 2 months and 1 day since he left, or 8 weeks and 4 days. I thought today was going to be a good day, I think I was mistaken.
His toothbrush still sits in the holder where he last put it. I know, kind of weird. I don't expect him to use it when he gets back, that would just be gross, but it is HIS toothbrush still none the less. I find comfort in the fact that something of his still sits beside something of mine. It's a reminder of normalcy, a normalcy that will return eventually.
His body wash is still in the shower. I admit that I even use it from time to time, the smell brings comfort that his dirty shirt is slowly losing. I am able to fall asleep smelling 'him'. I just hope that the people I come into contact with don't get close enough to realize I smell like a man.
His dirty shirt still sits crumpled on the cabinet in the closet. I really should of put it in a bag to keep the smell, it's nearly gone. On a really hard day, it brings comfort as well.
His shoes still line the wall inside our closet, in a perfect row. He never kept his shoes in a perfect row.
Today marks 2 months and 1 day since he left, or 8 weeks and 4 days. I thought today was going to be a good day, I think I was mistaken.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
You know you're an Army wife when..
I ran across this and thought it was hysterical. The ones in bold are ones I really relate too.
You know you're an Army wife when..
...you can unpack a house and have everything in place in 48 hours
...your husband's work and dress clothes cost more than yours do
...you've changed more oil and mowed more lawns than your husband because he's never there to do it himself
...you use a crook-neck flashlight with a red lens during power outages because it's the only one you can ever find in the house
hahahaha....more than once!!
...your children say "hooah" or "roger that" instead of "ok"
...you know that it's normal to light shoe polish on fire and that the best way to spit-shine boots is with cotton balls
my husband has been doing that since his ROTC days back in HS
...your husband does a route recon and takes a GPS for a trip to the mall
...you only write in pencil because EVERYTHING is subject to change
...you need a translator to talk to your civilian friends, only because they have no idea what DFAS, AER, TDY, ACS, NPD, PCS, and ETS mean
Every single time..
...you have a larger selection of curtains than Walmart does
...you can remember where you kept the Scotch tape in your last house, but unfortunately, not in this one
...you mark time in duty stations, not years
...you refer to friends not only by name but by the state that they live in
...you know that "back home" doesn't mean at the house you live in now
...you tear up when you hear "Proud to Be An American," even though you've heard it 50 times by now
shoot..I tear up at the sight of the American flag.
...you know that a 2 month separation IS short, no matter what your civilian friends say
...you ALWAYS know when payday is and get ticked off if there are more than 2 weekends during that pay period
And I constantly have to remind the husband that it's not every two weeks!!
...you know better than to go to the PX or commissary between 11:30 and 13:00 unless it's a life or death emergency
...you show your military ID to the greeter at Walmart
Been there..done that...more than once..
...you know that any reference to "sand" or a "box" describes NTC at Ft. Irwin, not your kid's backyard toys
...you know that "Ft. Puke" is a completely accurate description of Ft. Polk
...you find yourself explaining your husband's LES to him
...you have enough camouflage in your house to wallpaper the White House
...you don't have to think about what time 21:30 is
...you start ripping open MREs and looking for the M&Ms when you run out of Halloween candy
I rip open MRE's JUST for the candy..
...you can't remember the last time you saw a doctor who wasn't wearing BDUs
...you've ever had a pet named Scout, Ranger or Sergeant
...the local dry cleaner knows you by your first name
...it only cost you $25 to have a child
...you find that a large number of your clothes and household items are olive drab or loam, even though you never planned it that way
...you pick apart uniforms on TV and in the movies, even though you used to yell at your husband for doing the same thing
Well...yeah...
...you know what "pogey bait" is and which kinds everyone in your husband's platoon prefers
...you wish you could go to CIF to DX your old stuff like your husband can
...you've learned to sleep through the sounds of tanks, planes, helicopters and artillery simulators
...you give your kids a hand receipt when they take your Tupperware to school
...you can hate military life but be terrified to leave it all in the same breath
...you defend your lifestyle no matter how bad things get because you know there's no other life for you!
...you have a spare room in your house just for gear.
It's larger than my walk through closet...that is huge..
...you've stubbed your toe on a kevlar vest more than once.
damn kevlar..
...you frequently have soldiers sitting in your living room playing xbox and eating your food.
Yep..and I miss those men more than anything..
...when your four year old has a favorite airplane.
A c-130
….when the sight of uniforms, sounds of tanks, trucks and choppers, and artilllery in the distance are the soundtrack to your life.
I find myself longing for them whenever I go back home..
...when your kids wake up with the bugle at reveille
For two weeks she would stand up and salute the flag..at 630 in the morning!!..
...when your toddler can nap through helicopters doing low flyovers.
and artillery..
...your kids call you "Ma'am"
R-E-S-P-E-C-T..
You know you're an Army wife when..
...you can unpack a house and have everything in place in 48 hours
...your husband's work and dress clothes cost more than yours do
...you've changed more oil and mowed more lawns than your husband because he's never there to do it himself
...you use a crook-neck flashlight with a red lens during power outages because it's the only one you can ever find in the house
hahahaha....more than once!!
...your children say "hooah" or "roger that" instead of "ok"
...you know that it's normal to light shoe polish on fire and that the best way to spit-shine boots is with cotton balls
my husband has been doing that since his ROTC days back in HS
...your husband does a route recon and takes a GPS for a trip to the mall
...you only write in pencil because EVERYTHING is subject to change
...you need a translator to talk to your civilian friends, only because they have no idea what DFAS, AER, TDY, ACS, NPD, PCS, and ETS mean
Every single time..
...you have a larger selection of curtains than Walmart does
...you can remember where you kept the Scotch tape in your last house, but unfortunately, not in this one
...you mark time in duty stations, not years
...you refer to friends not only by name but by the state that they live in
...you know that "back home" doesn't mean at the house you live in now
...you tear up when you hear "Proud to Be An American," even though you've heard it 50 times by now
shoot..I tear up at the sight of the American flag.
...you know that a 2 month separation IS short, no matter what your civilian friends say
...you ALWAYS know when payday is and get ticked off if there are more than 2 weekends during that pay period
And I constantly have to remind the husband that it's not every two weeks!!
...you know better than to go to the PX or commissary between 11:30 and 13:00 unless it's a life or death emergency
...you show your military ID to the greeter at Walmart
Been there..done that...more than once..
...you know that any reference to "sand" or a "box" describes NTC at Ft. Irwin, not your kid's backyard toys
...you know that "Ft. Puke" is a completely accurate description of Ft. Polk
...you find yourself explaining your husband's LES to him
...you have enough camouflage in your house to wallpaper the White House
...you don't have to think about what time 21:30 is
...you start ripping open MREs and looking for the M&Ms when you run out of Halloween candy
I rip open MRE's JUST for the candy..
...you can't remember the last time you saw a doctor who wasn't wearing BDUs
...you've ever had a pet named Scout, Ranger or Sergeant
...the local dry cleaner knows you by your first name
...it only cost you $25 to have a child
...you find that a large number of your clothes and household items are olive drab or loam, even though you never planned it that way
...you pick apart uniforms on TV and in the movies, even though you used to yell at your husband for doing the same thing
Well...yeah...
...you know what "pogey bait" is and which kinds everyone in your husband's platoon prefers
...you wish you could go to CIF to DX your old stuff like your husband can
...you've learned to sleep through the sounds of tanks, planes, helicopters and artillery simulators
...you give your kids a hand receipt when they take your Tupperware to school
...you can hate military life but be terrified to leave it all in the same breath
...you defend your lifestyle no matter how bad things get because you know there's no other life for you!
...you have a spare room in your house just for gear.
It's larger than my walk through closet...that is huge..
...you've stubbed your toe on a kevlar vest more than once.
damn kevlar..
...you frequently have soldiers sitting in your living room playing xbox and eating your food.
Yep..and I miss those men more than anything..
...when your four year old has a favorite airplane.
A c-130
….when the sight of uniforms, sounds of tanks, trucks and choppers, and artilllery in the distance are the soundtrack to your life.
I find myself longing for them whenever I go back home..
...when your kids wake up with the bugle at reveille
For two weeks she would stand up and salute the flag..at 630 in the morning!!..
...when your toddler can nap through helicopters doing low flyovers.
and artillery..
...your kids call you "Ma'am"
R-E-S-P-E-C-T..
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I think I need a bigger box...
Want to learn a perk about deployments, insert head nod here, you get to fall in love with your spouse all over again.
Really, you do.
Honestly, this deployment hasn't been that horrible. I miss my husband tremendously..I miss him so much that it makes my heart ache. I get that knot in my stomach and I find myself constantly choking back a lump in my throat. I find that I cry at the drop of a hat over anything that reminds me of him. I miss him, but man..I am so proud of him!!
Last week I assembled a list of items I wanted to send in his first care package. The list includes lots of junk food, framed photographs for his desk at work and an assortment of other stuff. This past weekend was spent going out to different stores and buying things that would make my husband laugh and think 'only my wife!'. In those activities, I was able to fall in love with him all over again. I was given the opportunity to show him that I was thinking about him, by putting thought into each item. I can't wait to hear from him when he opens his box. Speaking of which..I think I need a bigger box. As I sit here with all my items beside me..I don't think they'll fit in the box my mother-in-law gave to me. I may need a couple more!!
What a fun thing to be able to do for him, in fact, I plan on doing a box each pay period! I want each box to feel like a bit of home. The miles may separate us, but they most definitely can't keep us apart.
Really, you do.
Honestly, this deployment hasn't been that horrible. I miss my husband tremendously..I miss him so much that it makes my heart ache. I get that knot in my stomach and I find myself constantly choking back a lump in my throat. I find that I cry at the drop of a hat over anything that reminds me of him. I miss him, but man..I am so proud of him!!
Last week I assembled a list of items I wanted to send in his first care package. The list includes lots of junk food, framed photographs for his desk at work and an assortment of other stuff. This past weekend was spent going out to different stores and buying things that would make my husband laugh and think 'only my wife!'. In those activities, I was able to fall in love with him all over again. I was given the opportunity to show him that I was thinking about him, by putting thought into each item. I can't wait to hear from him when he opens his box. Speaking of which..I think I need a bigger box. As I sit here with all my items beside me..I don't think they'll fit in the box my mother-in-law gave to me. I may need a couple more!!
What a fun thing to be able to do for him, in fact, I plan on doing a box each pay period! I want each box to feel like a bit of home. The miles may separate us, but they most definitely can't keep us apart.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
They are gone
As of today, the men are gone.
They have packed their bags, they have boarded the planes..they have flown to far away countries. As couples we exchanged hugs, kisses, last minute embraces and then said our goodbyes til the next time we would meet.
As friends, we laughed, joked, tried to act like this wasn't really happening. Tried to hold on to a sense of normalcy for as long as we could. Then the time came, tears began to flow..and goodbyes took place. Today, this deployment feels as real as it ever has.
For the past two weeks my husband has been gone, but it hasn't felt as though he was sent off across the world. Sure, we've been dealing with crazy time changes, phone calls at 1 am, but I had it in my head he was only out in the field. After all, with our best friends still home..it certainly felt that way.
Now, my husband is gone..my best friends are gone and this deployment is real. They aren't just being sent off for another training session, they aren't just 'playing' war.
I miss my husband, I miss my friends..I want this nightmare to be over.
They have packed their bags, they have boarded the planes..they have flown to far away countries. As couples we exchanged hugs, kisses, last minute embraces and then said our goodbyes til the next time we would meet.
As friends, we laughed, joked, tried to act like this wasn't really happening. Tried to hold on to a sense of normalcy for as long as we could. Then the time came, tears began to flow..and goodbyes took place. Today, this deployment feels as real as it ever has.
For the past two weeks my husband has been gone, but it hasn't felt as though he was sent off across the world. Sure, we've been dealing with crazy time changes, phone calls at 1 am, but I had it in my head he was only out in the field. After all, with our best friends still home..it certainly felt that way.
Now, my husband is gone..my best friends are gone and this deployment is real. They aren't just being sent off for another training session, they aren't just 'playing' war.
I miss my husband, I miss my friends..I want this nightmare to be over.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
One way ticket to the nut house
I feel like this deployment is basically going to give me a one way ticket to the nut house.
I feel like i'm losing it.
My whole goal on Friday for cleaning the house is so I wouldn't come home and be haunted by little reminders of my husband, laying around the house. How silly of me.
I have built a life with that man, a home. Every single thing around me reminds me of him. I went to look in the pantry for a snack and saw a can of tuna that he bought, I had to choke back tears. TEARS!! OVER TUNA!!
I decided maybe food wasn't such a great idea, coffee sounded better. Oh crap, coffee. My husband is the person who got me into drinking coffee, he is also the one who bought the hazelnut coffee because he knows it's my favorite smell. Shit, shit shit shit. Every single aspect of my life revolves around a man who I love so deeply that I can't go a single minute thinking about him, missing him.
Tonight is my first night alone in our house. I think i'll turn in early tonight.
I feel like i'm losing it.
My whole goal on Friday for cleaning the house is so I wouldn't come home and be haunted by little reminders of my husband, laying around the house. How silly of me.
I have built a life with that man, a home. Every single thing around me reminds me of him. I went to look in the pantry for a snack and saw a can of tuna that he bought, I had to choke back tears. TEARS!! OVER TUNA!!
I decided maybe food wasn't such a great idea, coffee sounded better. Oh crap, coffee. My husband is the person who got me into drinking coffee, he is also the one who bought the hazelnut coffee because he knows it's my favorite smell. Shit, shit shit shit. Every single aspect of my life revolves around a man who I love so deeply that I can't go a single minute thinking about him, missing him.
Tonight is my first night alone in our house. I think i'll turn in early tonight.
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